After having one of the worst weeks yet tonight I am feeling grateful. Grateful that I am able to have hope and grateful for the love expressed by so many in so many different ways.
Last week was melt down after melt down, screaming, raging, throwing things and fierce intense anger like I have never known. This week God has seen fit for some unknown reason to show me such love, understanding, peace and comfort. He has allowed me to see His love and kindness through the efforts of His people. Things that have been done by co-workers, church members, family, friends and even total strangers --have literally blown me away.
I have continued even six weeks out to receive sweet uplifting cards, texts, emails and calls.
My Supervisor has communicated with me through email some of the kindest most uplifting messages of devotionals, love and understanding.
My Department, my company as a whole and the department that I worked for the previous six years have all three sent a wonderful meal every other night for this week through a company called "Instead of Flowers". I had never even heard of them - but that is the greatest idea! My co-workers have volunteered to donate PTO to me if I needed extra; they have taken a lot of my work to give me time to grieve; they have called, emailed and texted. A friend and co-worker in another department has visited, brought flowers and made my favorite muffins. And yesterday I actually got an angel in the mail! Another co-worker's mother had hand made me an angel doll. It is so beautiful and so special to me. (And actually that is the second angel I have received in the mail.)
Kara's mom sent me a memorial necklace that held some of Kara and Paxton's ashes. A beautiful way to keep them always close to my heart. What grace that took! While I do not believe what they say about what happened - it is all she knows and yet she was so thoughtful and kind as to do something so special for both me and my daughter. I will treasure it always.
Last Saturday my daughter's Sabbath-School class sent me the most beautiful and thoughtful "Comfort" basket filled with an abundance of lovely thoughtful items; a soft cuddly throw, a beautiful new coffee mug with 'Peace... Fall into the arms of God.' on it, inspirational books and books with beautiful photography in them, a daily scripture dispenser, wonderful chocolate covered cookies, flowers, picture frames, candles and everything you could think of to pamper me, fill me, inspire me and bring me peace and comfort. And I do not even know these people!
Sunday I found one of Paxton's "Binkies".
My daughter has done so many things for me until I cannot begin to even name them all. Besides just being loving and supportive, she and my son in law took on the awful and gut-wrenching job of overseeing the clean up of Brian's house. Making trip after trip over to get Kara's things out to send to her family, take the kids in to get things that were special to them, remove garbage, clean out the refrigerator and freezer, get his bills and make a million phone calls to the appropriate parties to get the business stuff taken care of. All things that had to be done that I was absolutely incapable of taking care of.
My sister who is sitting here awaiting a bone marrow transplant has listened to my ranting and screaming and crying and held me and cried with me daily and when I should have been taking care of her - she was nurturing me and listening when I know at times she wanted to slit her wrist and bolt to the nearest exit. My brother in law has come in from working all day long and cooked dinner for us. My brother after working all week long went over with my husband to cut the grass at Brian and Kara's home. My youngest sister drove hundreds of miles leaving her own home, her family and her job to stay by my side during that most awful week of my life and many times since.
My own church family providing tons of food, paper goods (and yes, even toilet tissue!) drinks, ice, and one even offered to bring us an extra refrigerator if we needed one to hold all the food! There has been a steady stream of calls, emails, texts, cards, and gifts as well as the prayers and endless hours sitting with us through that first awful week.
People in my community that I do not even know have sent cards and money and have offered up prayers for us.
My three closest friends have taken time from their jobs their families and their lives to come long distances to be with me. And they are still checking on me - trying to help me get grief support and counseling.
My sister's church family bringing lunch to us one day and providing dinner for us another as well as cards and the little angel pin for my pillow.
I am absolutely overwhelmed at the love people have shown us.
Even in my darkest hours when I called on God and could not find Him; when I was unable to hear His voice or feel His presence He was working to take care of me. When I was so angry, hurt and disillusioned until I, like Rachel, refused to be comforted, He sent His people to carry me.
What an awesome God we serve!