Saturday, March 16, 2024

March madness





Yesterday would have been Brian's 51st birthday and though I did as I have for the last nine years, I had two weeks of funk prior to his actual birthday.  And it took me until almost the day of his birthday to realize what was causing it.  It was just an overwhelming sadness that there appeared to be no reason for --until I remembered it was yet again March.  I felt it but there was a little something different this year in that although the sadness was there when I realized it and acknowledged it --I just let it come. I sat with it, I let it wash over me, I gave it a little space in my life.  But I didn't let it overtake me.  I didn't cry.  And once I recognized it and let it have its space, I was good.  And on the actual day of his birthday, I had a relatively normal average day.  

That was huge. 

Ten years since the last birthday that I ever got to spend with him; a milestone and yet it was a pretty good day.  Four people contacted me and acknowledged it and let me know they were thinking of me and that was so nice but there was no sadness surrounding it.  I mentioned it casually and remembered him of course but it didn't consume my day or my emotions.

Last week I dreamed about him.  A pretty rare thing though I'm not sure why.  I always long to dream of him but just don't.  But last week was also a first in that I dreamed about him, and it was just a normal day with him in the dream.  Usually in any dreams I have had of him, I seem to know that he is really gone even though I am with him.  I want to talk to him at length.  I want to ask questions.  I want to relish every second of my time with him and it always seems to fly too quickly.  It always seems like 'unfinished business' or like I want to hold onto him because subconsciously I am aware that my time with him is rare and limited.  But not this time.  This time the dream was just an average everyday dream that he was a part of.  Like when he was living, and I spent an average day with him.  I didn't think about missing him or losing him or needing to hold him there for just a few minutes longer.  We went about an average day, and he just happened to be a part of it.  That was huge to me.  Just huge.  It felt normal for the first time in so many years.  I awoke.  I remembered the dream.  And it did not make me sad.  I didn't feel that terrible longing.  It did not dominate the next several days or even that day! 

Of course, even though both of those things are big, I have lived with grief long enough to know not to take that as an indication that this is over for good and that his next birthday won't just wreck me or that the next time, I dream of him I won't again cry for the day and be sad for days on end.  But it does indicate that though grief comes, goes and then comes back again I now know too that when it shows progress and heads in a direction of healing it may circle back a time or two but praise God, it gets there eventually.  So it is still cause for feeling hopeful and optimistic.  

I just had a friend describe it pretty accurately.  She said that grief kind of moves in a 'figure 8' fashion.  And she should know, she lost her husband and soul mate after 25 years of marriage to a heart attack almost 20 years ago.  So she is seeing it from a 20-year perspective.  And that sounds about right.  It moves upward like it is going in the right direction for a while.  You come to a high place and think you are completely out of the weeds and then it starts across and then back down crisscrossing, flirts with the bottom and then starts back up again. 

You move through it one small accomplishment at a time.  It is still there but you've conquered one milestone - at first, they are small milestones like the first time you can casually walk past their favorite food in the grocery store and just go on with your shopping.  Then one day you can look at their picture and it doesn't make you cry.  And pretty soon you remember something amusing they said or did and you actually begin to laugh about it.  So, they are baby steps for sure. Then one day you hit a bigger milestone -- like a dream that doesn't wreck you.  

And sure, you may wind and twist about and still have your unexpected small things that cause a meltdown, but you find that one day when you least expect it --you realize you've conquered a birthday!  

 

Saturday, January 20, 2024

2014 - 2024 --Ten Years! How is that possible?

I find it almost impossible to believe that we are now going into our tenth year since we lost Brian, Kara and Paxton. No way did I think that we still would not know the truth about what happened 10 years later.

Ten Years!  

And I'm not sure but I think ten years is long enough.  I think I am going to make this my final year of posting on the blog.  Seems like a good time to say goodbye.  And finally cease with logging my thoughts, emotions and grief over this tremendous loss.  In ten years I should have told the story, processed the grief, learned the lessons, uncovered the insights.  Told our side of how this horrific tragedy along with the speedy determination of murder/suicide has affected us.  Let anyone that never knew him, know who Brian was before the tragic day that now defined his life. I should have revealed the injustices we faced through law enforcement, let anyone that cared know why we never believed this story and told you of the inconsistencies and loose ends that we knew about that no one else ever heard. 

I have beat that dead horse enough already and there is very little left to say about all of that that has not already been said.

So, in this 10th and final year, I hope to spend our time together telling how I have healed even through the ups and downs.  Letting you  know how my faith survived in spite of what seemed to me like insurmountable odds.  I want you to know the lessons I've learned through catastrophic grief. I want to tell you what insights God has revealed to me through this and how I have grown through this.  I hope to let you know what good has come in spite of this and what good may have come because of this.  And I am sure as we go through 2024 - our last year together I will still be learning and growing and hope to pass on those things that may benefit you as well.  

I want to let you know what I have done that has worked to help me through this and what I have tried that has not.  And let you know how I have hopefully helped others because of this so should you ever face a tragedy that you think you cannot survive you might remember that I did and you can know which paths to take and which to avoid.  And that you might know going in that though it will be hard and it may seem impossible - if I could survive it, so can you.

I want you to know that your faith will be tested beyond what you ever thought possible and though it may not look the same as it used to -- it can survive.  It can even strengthen and grow.  I want you to understand that sometimes God can be right there with you, holding you, protecting you and you can still be unaware of it in that moment.  It was always the absolute most important thing to me from day one of this that my faith survive.  

I want you to know how your relationship with grief changes over time and that was something I could not know until I had walked with it and lived in it ten years.  Some things you only learn from seeing them in the rear view mirror.  Some lessons and some insights can only be seen from a distance.  And you need that perspective to see them clearly.

I want to update you this year on chronic, sporadic depression - and the ups and downs of grief ten years out.

Over these ten years if you've followed me here you've likely already realized one thing you may not have already known -- that grief could last ten long years. Even that is a lesson that could benefit you one day. When you wonder as I did - if this is normal.  When you are discouraged, confused and find yourself asking on a regular basis: What's wrong with me?  Am I going crazy?  When will this ever end?

And I want you to know that for the most part of this ten long years it remained the second most important thing to me that someday we would find out the truth about what happened.  And I want you to know where I stand with that today ten years later.

So hopefully, I can spend the next several months relating all of this in hindsight and if it has helped you or helped you see things like this in a different perspective then I have accomplished what I set out to do.

Here's wishing you all a happy and healthy 2024!  






Sunday, September 10, 2023

Catastrophic Grief Makes You Crazy

It really does.  

Need proof?

Crazy - like keeping an open, half drank Pepsi in your fridge for two years and only tossing it as you move.  (Hey, at least I didn't pack it.)

Crazy - like tripping over a houseful of toys scattered everywhere for six months after there was no one under 40 that even visited. (And sadly, yes, I will cop to the fact that did pack some of them.)

Crazy - like getting that "deer in the headlights" look every time someone asks how many kids I have.

Crazy - like nine years later still not knowing how to answer that question. 

Crazy - like when I finally tell someone I lost my son, I never say "and my grandson and my daughter in law" which makes me feel awful but I know if I do there will be questions that I can't answer.

Crazy - like breaking off the closest friendship you've ever had - screaming that you never want to hear from her ever again.  And then crying because you miss her so much - for nine years.

Crazy - like bursting into tears in Walmart when you pass by baby shoes, Hot Wheels cars, pumpkin pie, eggnog, a box of Rice Krispie Treats or losing it in the checkout line over a pack of Skittles. 

Crazy - like postponing an appointment with a surgeon made for the 24th of August.  A surgeon! 

Crazy - like having a hard time planning or doing anything on the 23rd of any month because in my mind I have 12 anniversaries of their death every year.  Yeah - that's crazy.

Crazy - like unconsciously looking up and noting the time at 3:15 (March 15) on any clock I pass every single day and stopping to think about Brian

Crazy - like noticing the numbers 315 on phone numbers, signs, car tags, addresses etc.

Crazy - like stalking and snapping pictures of a total stranger in Chick Fil A because he looks so much like Brian till its spooky.  Realizing that's crazy and doing it anyway.

Crazy - like thinking every single dark haired girl with Italian features on TV looks just like Kara

Crazy - like seeing a man that looks like Brian going into a store and actually seriously wondering what Brian was doing in South Carolina! Because for just a moment I forgot - five years after he died.

Crazy - like going into a funk and crying on and off the entire month of March --for nine years.

Crazy - like waking up at or close to 4:00 A.M. almost every single morning for nine long years - when you are retired!

Crazy - like binge-watching crime shows trying to find a scenario that fits or a similar scenario that disproves the story we were given.

Crazy. 

It makes you just plain crazy.

Thursday, August 31, 2023

Happy Birthday Pretty Girl

Today would be Kara's 38th birthday.  I've thought about her all day long.  She was such a breath of fresh air.  Fun and light and easy going and absolutely beautiful.

Happy birthday sweet girl.  We miss you so much.







Saturday, August 26, 2023

My Heart...

I had 58 years of my life before he was ever born and he has now been gone 9 years.  I only had him 2 years 8 months and 2 weeks.  Such a small percentage out of the whole and yet that 2 years and 8 months and 2 weeks will dominate the rest of my entire life. And yet I am afraid that the small percentage of time will fade as it becomes farther away and I will forget what loving him was like.  I will never forget him of course but emotions fade, memories fade and I am afraid he will occupy such a small segment of time out of my life that I will forget a lot.  You do as time goes by.  And I don't ever want to forget one minute of my short time with him.  I enjoyed every minute of it and photographs and memories sustain me.  Losing him was awful but not as awful I think as never having had him.

Paxton at five months old pulling up at the baby gate 
Brian built to keep him safely away from the stairs.

Paxton at 20 months - in my yard playing in the leaves

                     
The Panda Bear blanket - the very first thing I bought when I first learned Kara was pregnant

Sitting on my window seat watching the birds
On the front porch
Playing in the yard

At the mall with his mom and Aunt riding with Garfield

Napping in the kitchen floor

Paxton three months old with "Jeffrey" on his head.  
Brian named all of his toys

Paxton new born the day he came home from the hospital

Sitting in Nana's bed laughing after he swiped the remote

Paxton two months old spending the weekend with Nana


Thursday, August 24, 2023

Nine Years...

Oh my gosh I cannot believe that today was nine years ago that they found my son, my daughter in law and my 2 1/2 year old grandson shot to death in their home - the home we helped them purchase three years prior.  How my husband and I now wonder and fear that somehow that contributed to this tragedy  

Nine years later that still sounds too bazaar to be real.  Nine years.  Never would I have imagined a grief that could last nine years and I am so thankful I did not know that then.  I can't help but think about where I was exactly nine years ago at this time of day.  I was sitting in church waiting for Sunday School to begin.  I was already calling Brian and then Kara worried about them because I had not heard anything from them and they had not shown up for the visit that he called me Friday evening to schedule.  By this time, I had called both at least twice.  This time 9:50 am Sunday morning August 24, 2014 - I was still blissfully unaware of the freight train that was about to plow through my life and the lives of so many others.  Innocently, I was only slightly concerned that no one answered my calls and that they never showed up the day before because they could have gotten tied up at the birthday party they were to attend first.  I am unaware at this time that they never attended the birthday party for the six year old next door and that the carefully chosen and beautifully wrapped gift was sitting abandoned on their coffee table in their living room.  I was as yet unaware that Kara's mom had been actively trying to reach them at this point for more than 24 hours.  And she was unaware that her birthday would be the last time that she would ever hear her precious daughter's voice.  And that her birthdays from this day forward would never be an occasion to celebrate but a reminder of that birthday.  Brian's oldest son's birthday was the 25th and so at a very young age, his future birthdays will only be a reminder of his worst birthday.

One hour before, I had been in my closet obsessing over which shoes to wear and wondering what I could have for dinner when Brian and Kara finally made it over Sunday evening as that was the backup plan. Feeling a little concern I still refused to give in to the panic that was quietly making its way from the pit of my stomach to my throat where it threatened to strangle me as I suddenly recalled the strange incident that happened Saturday morning at exactly 4:00 AM  when I sat straight up in bed from a sound sleep and burst into tears for no known reason.  There was a reason that was yet unknown to me. And after I remembered that the panic was hard to hold back.  I tried several more times to call during the fifteen minute break between Sunday School and church.  I even left a desperate message for Brian that said, whatever was going on he needed to call and let me know they were okay or I was sending the police - which I assumed would prompt an irritated but immediate response.  It did not.  

After church several members were going to go grab a burger and enjoy an hour or so of fellowship. Chiding me for the panic I felt they finally convinced us to go. I could not keep my mind on anything.  I kept trying to call.  While waiting for my meal I thought to call my brother who lived just a few miles from Brian to see if he would run by and check on things.  He did and called me back to say that both cars were in the driveway but he could not get anyone to the door.  By now I was in a full blown panic attack and the friends we were sitting with insisted they drive us over and put my mind at ease.  I refused.  I knew - without knowing, that it would not put my mind at ease and I wanted to put off knowing as long as I could.  If I didn't go and didn't know I could live in my blissful innocence a little longer. 

Then I called my daughter.  She and Brian were very close and Kara was like the sister she never had.  I knew if they had just gone with friends somewhere she would know.  She assured me since they'd been going to the little girls next door's birthday on Saturday they probably just stepped next door for a bit.  That eased my mind just a tiny bit and she said she was close and could be there in ten minutes and she'd call me when she got in touch with them.  Then she mentioned that Kara's mom had also called her to see if she knew where they could be.  Twenty minutes or so passed as I sat on pins and needles and she called - and now I detected panic in her voice too.  She said, “something is wrong.  No one is coming to the door and I cannot see any movement inside the house.”  She confirmed that both cars were still in the driveway and that she thought they may have been gone with friends until she realized Paxton's car seat was still in the back of Kara's car.  She said she went next door and talked to the neighbor and not only were they not there but that they never showed up for the birthday party on Saturday like they'd planned.  She then said she noticed that the one and only ground level window behind the shrubs was "open" just a little.  It looked locked but had not been pushed all the way down so it would appear locked but was actually open.  She said, "Mom, Brian would never leave a window open and unlocked."  We both knew he was a fanatic about locking doors. She asked if she should climb in and check the house.  I said, much louder than was necessary - "NO! Absolutely not."  She said, "Well, what do I do now Mom?  I'm worried something is wrong."  I told her to call Paulding County police and I repeated, "no matter what  - Do not go in that house.”  It was at that point I knew. Then I asked her to put her husband on the phone and I repeated to him - "David, do not let her go in that house!"  

By that time our friend and my husband had arrived at Brian’s house.  They dropped me and his wife off and went to ease my mind.  I sat wringing my hands and praying for a miracle.  When I had not heard back from my husband or my daughter I knew something bad was wrong.  I called both and got no answer. I knew they did not want to tell me on the phone. My husband finally answered and said I'm on my way home.  I screamed “What?  What is it?”  He said, it's bad but I will talk to you when I get home.  I looked up to see our preacher coming in the door.  I knew they had called him to get here as fast as he could.  I remember screaming at him "What is it?  What has happened?"  He kept saying, "I don't know.  I don't know.  I just know it's bad."  At that, my legs buckled and I hit the floor and started screaming.  A lot after that was a blur.  I don't know if it was ten minutes or two hours and I don't remember when or how just that I looked up and my bedroom where I had retreated to was full of the women from the church, my husband, my daughter and eventually Brian's two oldest children as they made their way from Carrollton and Jasper.  

All I could think about was wishing I could go back.  Praying I would wake from this horrific nightmare and go back to the morning when shoes were my biggest concern.  Back to the innocence of life before nothing would ever be the same again.  Back to the Sundays when Paxton and I played hide and seek behind the throw pillows and pushed his firetruck back and forth across the den floor.  Back to when Brian's birthday was a celebration for my youngest son and not a week of crying and depression.  Back to family Christmases again with all of its crazy scheduling issues around ex-wives time constraints.  Back to July a few days before my birthday and the last time I was able to keep Paxton before my sister got out of the hospital and Paxton was singing "Haddy Dirtday" to me while Brian and Kara were out celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary.  Back to blissful, innocence before grief took over my life and my faith was tested beyond what I ever imagined.  Back to before in my grief and anger I pushed away my best friend of over 30 years. Back to before we became "those people" to the community we'd been a part of for 23 years. And before we had to leave our church of over 20 years, our home, our neighbors, our friends, my daughter and moved 100 miles away to a life of isolation and anonymity simply to be able to try and survive what I was sure would eventually kill me.

I have survived it.  Nine years today.  Thank God.  It still hurts of course and always will but with God's help I am better.  Better than I ever thought I'd be.  The move and the anonymity were hard but they were the only way I survived and not only survived but in many ways thrived too.  We have a new church, new home, new friends, new church family, rekindled our relationship with grandchildren that have lived over 100 miles away all of their lives.  Kara's mom and I have developed a relationship that even we don’t understand. And though we no longer have Christmas like we used to - thanks to the request that first year of Brian's only daughter, we have a huge wonderful, family Thanksgivings and we now let Christmas be what it should be - a celebration of Christs birth.  We have great grandchildren that we love and enjoy and though we will never stop loving or missing the ones we lost we try to rest in knowing they are actually better off than we are and we look forward to seeing them all again someday soon.





Tuesday, August 1, 2023

A Flash of Insight...

I think I need to talk to someone.  

Now I can't seem to cry.  I'm crying on the inside but I no longer seem to be able to hit that pressure release valve and really cry.  It has been several Sunday's now and I'm feeling desperate.  Vacation and camping trip and Mother's Day and Father's Day and races that were rained out --have all preempted my Sunday Relief Day and now I'm stuck.   Back in the weeds with no relief in sight.

I’m quite familiar with the signs of depression but somehow I missed them as I wrote:

And I don't know if you'd call it mental or spiritual or emotional or a combination of all but I have zero attachment to this life anymore.  I don't care about things like life's silly competitions, making new friends, or even hanging onto old friends, I don't care about "things" anymore; like new cars, clothes, furnishings or just stuff in general.  I still buy what I need but --I don't care about it one way or the other --I just don't care.  I have health issues that I refuse to go get seen about because --I don't care.  I no longer want to struggle to stay in this life.  This world truly does not feel like my home anymore and I'm ready to go home.  Things of this world no longer have a hold on me.  I"m okay living in this world and I function in it.  I will fix food and eat, I will buy clothes and shoes because I need them.  I will take the medicine I have for chronic high blood pressure because I do not want to be dibilitated and be a burden on anyone else but would I go to extreme measures to buy a few more months or years by taking chemo or having mutilating surgeries - I don't think I would.  I don't necessarily want to die but if it is my time, I'm really okay with it. 

Classic depression and yet I didn't recognize it as such..Crazy after all this time how that could slip past me.

I've been getting some online help with some issues and I think it is helping.  My granddaughter is getting counseling and now going to Griefshare.  I hope it helps her.  I'm learning its never too late..