I find it almost impossible to believe that we are now going into our tenth year since we lost Brian, Kara and Paxton. No way did I think that we still would not know the truth about what happened 10 years later.
Ten Years!
And I'm not sure but I think ten years is long enough. I think I am going to make this my final year of posting on the blog. Seems like a good time to say goodbye. And finally cease with logging my thoughts, emotions and grief over this tremendous loss. In ten years I should have told the story, processed the grief, learned the lessons, uncovered the insights. Told our side of how this horrific tragedy along with the speedy determination of murder/suicide has affected us. Let anyone that never knew him, know who Brian was before the tragic day that now defined his life. I should have revealed the injustices we faced through law enforcement, let anyone that cared know why we never believed this story and told you of the inconsistencies and loose ends that we knew about that no one else ever heard.
I have beat that dead horse enough already and there is very little left to say about all of that that has not already been said.
So, in this 10th and final year, I hope to spend our time together telling how I have healed even through the ups and downs. Letting you know how my faith survived in spite of what seemed to me like insurmountable odds. I want you to know the lessons I've learned through catastrophic grief. I want to tell you what insights God has revealed to me through this and how I have grown through this. I hope to let you know what good has come in spite of this and what good may have come because of this. And I am sure as we go through 2024 - our last year together I will still be learning and growing and hope to pass on those things that may benefit you as well.
I want to let you know what I have done that has worked to help me through this and what I have tried that has not. And let you know how I have hopefully helped others because of this so should you ever face a tragedy that you think you cannot survive you might remember that I did and you can know which paths to take and which to avoid. And that you might know going in that though it will be hard and it may seem impossible - if I could survive it, so can you.
I want you to know that your faith will be tested beyond what you ever thought possible and though it may not look the same as it used to -- it can survive. It can even strengthen and grow. I want you to understand that sometimes God can be right there with you, holding you, protecting you and you can still be unaware of it in that moment. It was always the absolute most important thing to me from day one of this that my faith survive.
I want you to know how your relationship with grief changes over time and that was something I could not know until I had walked with it and lived in it ten years. Some things you only learn from seeing them in the rear view mirror. Some lessons and some insights can only be seen from a distance. And you need that perspective to see them clearly.
I want to update you this year on chronic, sporadic depression - and the ups and downs of grief ten years out.
Over these ten years if you've followed me here you've likely already realized one thing you may not have already known -- that grief could last ten long years. Even that is a lesson that could benefit you one day. When you wonder as I did - if this is normal. When you are discouraged, confused and find yourself asking on a regular basis: What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy? When will this ever end?
And I want you to know that for the most part of this ten long years it remained the second most important thing to me that someday we would find out the truth about what happened. And I want you to know where I stand with that today ten years later.
So hopefully, I can spend the next several months relating all of this in hindsight and if it has helped you or helped you see things like this in a different perspective then I have accomplished what I set out to do.
Here's wishing you all a happy and healthy 2024!
