Father's Day

A day that I know is difficult for Alex and Ashley.   It is also a difficult day for me.  It reminds me of several things.  Brian was without a doubt the best dad I've ever known and that there was such a contrast between what a dad should be and what my dad was like.  And how a "step"-dad that stepped in and stepped up gets so little recognition on this day.

This morning however, he got a sweet, sweet gift from Ashley and I just wanted to acknowledge it here.

This was her text to me:

I don't know if I have Papa's number but please tell him I said Happy Father's Day.  We listened to a message at church today about fathers having fathers and men that spoke into them and raised them to be good fathers and husbands and I am so thankful for Papa being there to speak into my dad and raise him to be the father that he was.  Because the generations continue with the things we learn from fathers and I'm grateful to have learned so much from mine.  I've only cried twice today already so far lol.  I love you both.

What a gift to him and what a sweet tribute to her dad.  

It's difficult to be a parent and it is sometimes the most thankless job in the world.  It has to be even more difficult to be the dad that took on three children that were not his; loved them, supported them and parented them through all the hard times while their own biological fathers walked away.

Ashley channeled her own dad today with this message as he is the only one of the three that has ever acknowledged that his stepdad did what he didn't have to do and was truly a father to him when his real father walked away and deserted him.

Brian's spirit was absolutely close to us today because as Ashley was writing this to us - the church handed out packets of "Skittles" with a reminder to pray about bible school!  Skittles.  Notoriously known as Brian's favorite candy - his house was never without a jar of Skittles on the counter.  Kara even had Skittles on his wedding cake!

Dear Brian,

I am thinking of you and Paxton a lot today for some reason.  It has been a sad day today.  I saw a movie that had a baby that looked so much like Paxton.  Even had on a shirt identical to one that he wore a lot and he was the same age.  I still see you both everywhere.  I  catch myself looking for both of you in crowds and sometimes when I see babies that remind me of Paxton I want to just stay close to them and soak in their sweetness.  Sometimes in stores I follow their moms down a few aisles just so I can see him a little longer and feel him close to me again.  

I've set Sunday afternoons aside as the time I give myself  to cry.  Dad watches the race downstairs and I have some private time to myself.  So that I don't "break" in front of people or in public anymore I designated a day when I know I can be alone and I come in the office and I can miss you both all I want and out loud if I need to.  I allow myself time to just sit with my grief, cry and be sad. And sometimes I just sit here and think of things I remember because I want to keep you both fresh in my mind.  I had you a long time but Paxton has been gone way longer than the two years and eight month that I had him so I am so afraid that I will forget.  Not him, of course but the essence of him.  His silent sweetness, his funny little ways, our little games and how much they amused him, his first words, the sound of his voice and the "baby" way he pronounced words. That sweet baby smell, his giggle, what he felt like snuggled up to me asleep.  Little sweet or funny things he did like pretending to sneeze when he was so little and laughing when I said "Bless You!" because he knew it was a joke.  And how we used to play hide and seek and he'd lead me to the linen closet and shut me in and then pretend to look for me until he would open the door and "find" me right where he'd left me.  

These are the precious things that I never want to lose but I am so afraid that I will.  

I know there were a million little things that you all did or said that I was sure I'd never forget - but I did.  So I know its possible and so I try to remember all the little details that I can so that they will stay fresh in my memory and he will stay alive in my heart.  

So today is Saturday --not my day and yet I'm sad and grieving fiercely today. Not sure what's up with that unless it is the baby in the movie. 

Sometimes those little coincidences, like dreams, seem like little gifts from God.  Little snippets of you or Paxton that I find in crowds or in movies that give me a little private visit from you. I will take them.  And I am thankful to God for them even if they do make me sad afterwards.

I think lately about how everyday I'm a little closer to being with you all again.  Until then I will see you in my dreams or at the mall or in the babies I see on movies and I will think of you all and miss you still everyday.