Still Brian's Mom: June 2023

Tuesday, June 20, 2023

A walk through the memories

Single dad

Engaged

Planning a wedding

The Big Day

I've got news...

New Addition to our family

New Family

Thursday, June 15, 2023

After Almost Nine Years...

Brian's natural father finally now knows he is dead.

Unbelievable.

We decided to take a birthday trip for both of our birthdays. We are six weeks apart in age and it's a big birthday so we opted for a trip out west.

We flew into Denver and then drove to Moab, Utah and went to Arches and Canyonland National Parks. We crossed the Rocky Mountains and did a lot of nature sight seeing. It was the most unusual landscape we had either one of us ever seen. It was gorgeous and it was a very good trip. On the way to Utah, we stopped at a State Park to gather rocks (my souveniers - cheap date) from the river bank of the Colorado River and while there I got a phone call that literally stopped me in my tracks.

It was my ex-husband --after 32 years.

I almost fainted. And my anxiety level was through the roof. Strangely enough even after 47 years away from his control I was shaking and a complete nervous wreck. I knew either he was calling because he'd finally heard about Brian or I was going to have to tell him.

Turns out I'm still not sure which it was. He claimed he called me first to see if I thought Brian would be willing after all these years to talk to him...Not likely. So I as gracefully as I could told him about Brian's death. He did not sound shocked. He asked what happened briefly but did not seem to need a lot of details. He did say he was sorry for walking away from him 32 years ago and even apologized to me for what all happened in our marriage and after. It was unnerving and kind wrecked the first two days of my trip.

He and Brian's ex-wife were the only two people that I was furious with in the beginning. All I could think about was they were the two people in the world that had hurt him the most. I'm glad that phone call did not come 8 years ago. It would have gone very differently. And as many times as I've played that conversation out in my mind - it did not go anything like I'd planned. surprisingly, I was not angry. I felt no hatred. I dreaded telling him and I felt sorry for him. The only thing I did say was that it was a shame that the call came 8 1/2 years too late because Brian would have been delighted to have gotten that call. And that just made me sad.

He now lives out of state and he claimed that he was in Atlanta for a week and wanted to try and reconnect with Brian but decided to ask me if I thought Brian would even talk to him after all this time. What I believe was closer to the truth was that he was in Atlanta for the week --and this is important - without his wife, and decided to reconnect with Brian but certainly not me and he would not have needed my permission or my opinion so that made no sense unless when he started his search to find Brian's contact information, what he found was his obituary. And he called me and concocted that story to get the details and confirm that it was in fact Brian. Either way, he didn't have to lie. Didn't matter. He was nine years too late. Sadly, he has two still living grandchildren and three great-grandchildren that he did not bother to ask about or show any interest in meeting.

So he is still who he is and Brian was just as well off that the call came in now. God's timing - just right.

But anyway that was a shock. Eight and a half years later, he finally now knows.

*Related post September 13, 2017*

How Catastrophic Grief Changes You

As I've said before "this" did not just change how many places were set at the table for Thanksgiving. This changed everything. Besides the obvious of what losing three members of your familiy can do to you it also changes you in so many other ways that you never expected. Secondary losses I guess they're called. But not in the manner that I have heard secondary losses referred to such as who cuts your grass or takes out the trash or takes the car in for servicing. These are more on a personal level and not task related but since they are directly caused by this loss they would have to be considered secondary or second level losses and after 8 1/2 years I have to now assume they are permanent changes. I don't know.

The things I am referring to are more like personality changes which I would consider at a far higher level than whose job it is to take out the trash so I really think they deserve the title and trash duty should move to fourth or fifth level losses.

I feel like "I" have changed. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Totally changed. Some changes and the rationale for them are normal and expected physical changes - like gaining weight from stress eating and/or depression. And speaking of depression -

Mentally, depression for one. I cannot seem to stay out of the weeds. Momentarily, I can feel better with more exercise, regular contact with my family, regular church attendance and keeping almost too busy. But I don't stay there. Let me get some down time and I'm right back digging my way up just to get to ground level. Mentally, my short term memory is terrible. I still have problems concentrating on anything and I'm having problems with my speech too. I've always been a talker. Some people are natually quiet and have little to say - that has never been me. Suddenly, I can hardly complete a sentence before I stumble and lose focus and just stop mid-sentence.

Emotionally, I notice a couple of things here. I can still get angry really quickly with frustrating "business dealings" like terrible customer service and people that do not do what they say they're going to do but it dissapates quickly. And I spend no time thinking about it later. But anger with the people I love - just doesn't so much happen anymore for more than a fleeting moment. I get my feelings hurt much more easily though and that's hard. But nothing really seems important enough to get mad over, hold a grudge about or make myself or anyone else upset over. I don't seem to have really "strong" feelings about much anymore but then that too may be depression talking.

Spiritually, here I've noticed a lot of change. I do not feel even remotely like the same person as before the tragic deaths of my children. I don't seem to have the same strong spiritual connection that I did before. I still love God. I still seek truth. I still want to do what is right in the eyes of God. I still go to church regularly and work at the church and still try to do what I can for others. But now those things are conscious choices and the "feelings" that I used to have that prompted those choices without thinking about it - simply are not there. Unfortunately, (I think) I am less prayerful than I used to be. I kind of have the attitude that God will do whatever He chooses to do to accomplish His purpose and that's okay. What I want doesn't really matter. It's like its just a fact of life that I accept now. I trust God and His ways a lot more and fighting against Him to have things go my way is no longer something I do.

And I don't know if you'd call it mental or spiritual or emotional or a combination of all but I have zero attachment to this life anymore. I don't care about things like life's silly competitions, making new friends, or even hanging onto old friends, I don't care about "things" anymore; like new cars, clothes, furnishings or just stuff in general. I still buy what I need but --I don't care about it one way or the other --I just don't care. I have health issues that I refuse to go get seen about because --I don't care. I no longer want to struggle to stay in this life. This world truly does not feel like my home anymore and I'm ready to go home. Things of this world no longer have a hold on me. I"m okay living in this world and I function in it. I will fix food and eat, I will buy clothes and shoes because I need them. I will take the medicine I have for chronic high blood pressure because I do not want to be dibilitated and be a burden on anyone else but would I go to extreme measures to buy a few more months or years by taking chemo or having mutilating surgeries - I don't think I would. I don't necessarily want to die but if it is my time, I'm really okay with it.

Death is no longer my enemy. Perhaps that is what's meant by: "O' grave where is thy victory, O' death where is thy sting?"

It does not frighten me to talk about it or even plan for it and when I lose another friend - I no longer cry. I feel like they are the lucky ones. My only fear where death is concerned is losing another of my family. I do not want to lose anymore family and I think that drives a lot of these feelings because the older we get the more likely that becomes so I'd rather it be me so I don't have to live through another horrific loss.

I don't feel numb exactly but dulled for sure. And I'm not sure that it is not exacerbated by the secretive nature of all of this. Not being able to deal with it openly. Not being able to talk about it. Not being able to grieve them openly. Not having the support I needed because of that. And of course not knowing what really happened and not feeling like we got an adequate investigation or adequate information.

Secrets are destructive.