Some days...

Today is one of those days when just walking by my computer sets the tone for my day.  The screensaver picture is one I took of Paxton up at our barn sitting on a log.  They are all precious.

I would sometimes just follow him around with the camera and let him be "him"; running, playing, climbing, throwing leaves up in the air --whatever he found to do while I snapped away.  The hundreds and hundreds of pictures of him that I took in the few short years that we had him can attest to that.  I've never done that.  I realize now what a gift that was that I did as they now are all I have.

Some days it is still so hard; so painful and so raw.  Other days - I'm visibly better.   Some days these memories are treasures that make me smile and I could just sit and flip through hundreds of them at a sitting.  Today, they are treasures that do just the opposite.  I want to turn away quickly because they hurt with a fresh, deep, agonizing, physically painful hurt.  Just walking by them made me burst into tears. 

Best to do on days like this? Focus on helping others.  It helps me.  It helps "me" way more than it helps them. I find I desperately need to stay busy and keep my mind occupied and off of the sadness which at any given moment without warning can totally ambush me and sidetrack my entire day.  And I still need my time to cry but at least most of the time I am able to control when and where I cry --so that is an improvement.

I am so glad I naively did not realize I could still be "here" over four years later.  In many ways, as impossible as it seems, it is actually worse.  I do wonder when it will stop getting worse.  That news alone would have been more than I could have overcome in the beginning.  

One day at a time.  One step at a time.  One ambush at a time.

Today is not a good day but tomorrow will be better.

What helps...

I've read somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 grief-related books in the past four years - and what I have been able to glean from them that has most helped me --is the advice to help others that are grieving. 

The bible says you have been given this experience and you should not waste your pain. But to pass on what you have learned and provide the type of help that has been provided for you.

Very few understand a grieving person's pain and way too many walk away because they don't know what to say or do. 

So you go.  You help.  You just be there.  You can relate better and you have tools you can share. 

Here are a few things you can do:

1.  Be there to walk alongside them.  
2.  Give them your hard-earned sage advice. Tell them what has helped you.  Then help them get started.  
3.  Send them cards. Call them. Text them.  Email them.  Just don't ignore them.
4.  Give them the books that have helped you most.  Help cut through the mountain of crap out there and give them the ones you've found that are worth reading.
5.  Go walk with them.  It gets them out of the house, out of the closet or out of the bed.  It is exercise, it gets the blood pumping, it lessens depression, increases energy gets muscles being used, takes in fresh air, sunshine and is passive company.
6.  Listen to them, cry with them, let them talk about their loved one.
7.  Ask about their loved one.  Call their name.  Say something nice about them or bring up a memory if you have one.
8. Send them comfort - hot chocolate, tea, their favorite cookies, bath salts, warm slippers, good chocolate, a scented candle or a throw.  Give them something to help them care for themselves.
9. Make or buy them comfort foods.
10. Eat with them.
11. Take them to lunch or dinner.
12. Send them flowers several months later.
13. Watch a movie with them.
14. Help them start Journaling.
15. Help them with a scrapbook, or collage of photos
16. Go with them to the cemetery to place flowers.

These help.  I promise.  And all of these have been done for me and I have now done most for someone else.  And it helps.  It helps ME as much, if not more, than it does them.