The Obituary

Last week I found out online that my ex-mother-in-law had passed away - I have not seen her in over 40 years.  Three days from the three year anniversary of Brian, Kara and Paxton's death.  Her obituary shows being survived by two sons and four grandsons - one of them being Brian.  Great grans are also named - all of course except his three children.  That should tell you how close they were.  He has a twenty-six year old son that she had never met.  A twenty-one year old beautiful granddaughter that she had never met and a great-great grandson that she never met and she lost a two year old grandson she never knew existed. 


She, I'm sure, played a large part in his feelings of loss and abandonment.  He had tried to have a relationship with her after she made the first and only effort to contact him back in 1997.  He was so excited that she had called.  He invited her to his daughter's first birthday party.  And actually believed she was going to come...of course she never showed.  He tried to hide his hurt and disappointment and I tried to silence my raging anger at them hurting him yet again.  When she called me and asked how she could get in touch with Brian - her words were: "After all, he's my grandson just like the rest." like she was justifying to herself why she had a right to try and contact him.  


I asked about her family and she tells me nonchalantly that she had lost her youngest son seven years prior.  I was shocked and saddened that no one had bothered to tell Brian.  He had always really loved Marty and was devastated at the news.  I was very nice to her and gave her Brian's number and they spoke several times. But apparently she was actually just curious as to why he stopped showing up at her family Christmases because when she finally got the story on the falling out between he and his dad, the calls all ceased. And since his last family Christmas with her had been when he was fourteen.  Apparently it had not bothered her bad enough to reach out for ten long years. 


A few years later, my ex-brother in law's only son, Chris was killed in a car accident shortly after he graduated and strangely enough she called to tell me that.  We talked several times shortly after his death and I expressed my deepest and sincerest sympathies and comforted her as best I could.  I sent a card to the family. And a week or so later she called again to ask me how I knew about Chris?  Now after living through the shock of that kind of loss I understand why she may not remember it but she acted as if I'd been stalking her and denied ever calling to tell me?


Six years ago I had a nagging of conscience when I realized she would now be over 80 years old and didn't even know her grandson or his children.  I reached out to her and told her I'd come up and bring all of them to see her if she'd like.  She told me she did not think that would be a good idea.  She didn't think we should: "Mix and mingle the two families" and that things were best left as they were.  I was literally speechless.  I had never been so cut down and made to feel so stupid in my life. I never told Brian I had called her I wanted to shield him from any further rejection from that hurtful family.


One of the joys of Facebook (not a fan.) was that he searched for and found his step-mom on Facebook back in 2008 and contacted her in hopes I guess of opening the door to some communication.  He remembered her always being nice to him as a child when he went for his every other weekend visits.  She was apparently cold and distant to him and had nothing to say to him except - "Have a nice life."  Code for: "please don 't ever contact us again."  He was clearly hurt by it and was literally fighting back tears when he told me about it and then refused to ever talk about it again. 


For five years Kara had tried to get him to make contact with them -- especially his two half brothers.  He refused.  He said, he had a dad and he was the one that raised him and cared about him and he had no need to contact them.  I know he wanted to but was protecting himself from any further rejection and so never would.  He was not even aware at the time that his brother's even knew of his existence.  They were very young the last time he ever saw them.  The oldest maybe three or four and the youngest only a few months old.  He didn't want to upset their life in the event that they did not know about him.


When Brian died my other son insisted I contact Brian's dad and let him know.  He said I was not being fair to him because he had a right to know.  Brian was his son. 


I refused.  I did however tell him I had his phone number and address and would give it to him if he felt the need.  He was free to call him if he felt it was the right thing to do but that I, personally, felt like if he wanted nothing to do with Brian while he was alive then chances are it would not matter to him that he was dead.  If he had not cared for Brian in life why would he care now.  As far as I know, he never made that call or if he did - then I was right because he never showed up at the Memorial service.  And today I find him listed on his grandmother's obituary as being one of her surviving family - three years after he died.


This is so sad to me.  I try to forgive everyone and let God alone be their judge but I am human and it is sometimes harder with some than others.  How could a father just turn away from his 17 year old son and never look back - like he didn't matter?  Like he had never existed?  How do you do that? Surely there is justice in the next life for people like that?  Surely.

August

Birthdays, I think, are the hardest.  Yesterday would have been Kara's 33rd.  At least half of this month of August has been so difficult and I feel like I have really taken a major leap backwards and birthdays have played a large part in that.


The 16th - the date that I gave Kara her early birthday present because I had been unable to come home much with my sister sick and was afraid I would miss her birthday.  I never-ever give anyone their birthday or Christmas presents early.  Guess we now know why I was lead to make an exception this year.


The 18th - the date of the last video that Kara's made of Paxton and sent to me.  She also sent one to her mom.  Mine was of Paxton saying:  "Hey Nana, I love you."  Nancy's said: "Hey Me-ma, I love you."


The 22nd - Kara's mom's birthday and the last time she ever heard her daughter's voice and just hours before their deaths.  Her birthday will never be a happy occasion of celebration again.


The 23rd - the actual day they died but forever noted incorrectly because they were not found until the 24th. 


The 24th - the day that changed all of our lives forever.  The worst day in all of our lives up to that day.  The day that changed what we would have as a future but it also because of what the police said happened even made us question our past.  If that was true then nothing else we had ever known was true.  That day made us all question everything we knew, everything we believed in and everything we could ever hope for.


The 25th - Brian's oldest son's birthday.  It was his twenty third and it was the one that would change every birthday from now on because "this" would dominate.  "This" would mar.  "This" would be all he would ever think about for every birthday now forever.


The 31st - Kara's birthday.  It would have been her 30th.  A birthday she was looking forward to and dreading but would never see.  And now forever for her family they can never think of her birthday that the anniversary of her death does not loom over it.


I pray for peace for all of us as August is once again in the rear-view mirror thank goodness.