My grandson asked me this past week if I had one more chance to talk one on one with Brian - what I would say... Just a few days before he asked me that, on his 49th birthday, I had wondered that same thing myself. I decided I would give that question some thought and entertain that answer here as I did about three years ago.
Brian,
First and foremost I would absolutely want to make sure that you knew that I love you with all my heart. I would want to make sure you know that I didn't say I loved you, but that I love you --present tense- and always will. Death has no impact on my love. That would be the first and most important thing I'd want to tell you. But I would also want to tell you that I have never entertained the belief not for a single moment that this happened as they said it did. I knew you 41 years before that day and I knew who you were in your heart. I knew you were a sweet, kind, mindful conscientious child. I knew you were a good and loyal brother to your siblings, and I remember how you could never hardly even fight back in a scuffle with your older brother because you were afraid of really hurting him. I knew that you were a good and loyal husband to Kristen and when she left you pregnant with another man's child - I watched you walk my floor all night till 5:00 am for weeks and weeks second guessing every unkind word you'd ever said that may have caused her to want to leave. You hurt over her, cried over her, loved her and you just wanted her to come home. You immediately forgave her and you held no animosity toward her - you just wanted her back. I remember me being mad enough to want to strangle her and still you defended her. When I begged you to get a lawyer and fight for the kids - you angrily refused, saying you could never take your children from their mother, and you would never do that to your wife. "She is my wife!" You yelled. You were hurt. You were devastated. But you never really even acted angry at her. All you wanted was her to get past this and come home.
You were angry at the other man and even got into a fight with him when you were totally blind-sided to find out that they were actually married before you were even aware the divorce was final. All the while you had thought she'd eventually come back. You lost your home, your wife, your children and the life you had known in less than 24 hours.
You later grew to literally hate her as much as I ever knew you to hate but you also knew you had to keep peace or have your children kept from you. So, you stuffed it down and made nice. You were kind and accommodating to them both as they totally ran your life and extorted money from you to support their drug habit for the next 15 years. Then when Ashley came to live with you, most men would have put a quick stop to that child support but not you, you continued to pay her because you said she only wanted the money, and you wanted the child and you knew if you continued to pay her, she would leave Ashley alone and let her stay with you and if you stopped the money, she would fight to get her back and of course, you were right.
You put up with untold misery out of them both for the next 15 years --for your kids. So no, it never crossed my mind that you could have done this. Your kids were your life - all three of them. Again, I knew who you were in your heart.
Though you had a quick, hot temper, you were always on the side of right. You were conscientious, you had moral integrity and always looked out for the underdog. You were soft-hearted to a fault and could never, never hold a grudge. That is who you were.
I'd just want to tell you how proud you'd be of your kids today. And I'd tell you what a good little mother Ashley is and how she's going back to school and wants to take college courses for a degree in early childhood education, she cooks like a pro and has a home of her own, two beautiful little boys and a great husband that she says reminds her of you. She is in church regularly, does regular bible studies and goes to cub scout camp-outs with her son. I'd love to tell you about how much she misses you and how much she now looks back and appreciates all of the things you ever did for her and she tells me all the time how much she realizes now what she was too young to see and appreciate then. She tells me how she wishes her husband could have known you because she is so proud of the way you raised her, the things you taught her and the stable, loving home you gave her. She says you were the most positive influence in her life and the only stability she ever really had. And she would give anything if you could see her now and know that all you tried to teach her was not in vain.
I'd want to tell you that Alex has a new baby girl and he is doing very good now too. Took him a little while but whenever it happens, it's right on time. He has his own place and is a stepdad to three little girls. He seems happy and though he doesn't talk to me as much about his feelings. (He's a guy) He wants to make you proud and I can see your influence in him as well. He has a good heart and he misses you and I know now that he has a baby of his own he, like Ashley will think of all that you were to him. He will realize the sacrifices you made and all that you tried to do for them. He will see now, what he couldn't see as a teenager and will miss you all the more.
I would also have to tell you that it has occurred to me, that your kids have straightened up and turned their lives around, I truly believe not "in spite" of losing you but perhaps "because" of it. You were always too soft and let them get by with far too much. They walked all over you and you rescued them and never made them stand accountable for their actions. I truly do not believe that they would be where they are today had you still been here to rescue them. Sorry, but I honestly believe that is true. Hopefully, that is some good that has come out of all of this horrible bad.
My heart hurts for you still -every single day. Not one day so far has gone by that you were not the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind every night. It has been seven years now and though I'm settled with the idea that you are gone, I have good days and I can laugh again, the grief and pain are just as alive today as they were seven years ago. I am glad that I did not know that would be the case seven years ago. I would not have made it. And if I am honest, some days I still wonder if I will. I used to pray I'd get through just one more day and pray I'd get through this grief and now I realize that this grief albeit, a tamer version of it, will be with me forever, just as the love I have for you will and that's okay. Grief is the price you pay for love. In fact, I think I could almost define it now as "love". At first it feels awful and rips a huge, ragged, bleeding hole in your heart and you just want it to go away because you relate it to the worst pain you can imagine but later it slowly evolves into your way of loving the someone you lost. So now it feels as if I were to lose the grief, it would be wrong like I'd be giving up the love I have and so I'll keep the grief.
I am glad to know that you are home. You came to me in a dream about four months after you all died and told me you were "Going Home!" And you had the biggest smile on your face. You were young and light and looked happier than I'd ever seen you look. And I believe with all my heart that you are home and that you are smiling that huge smile everyday now with no more pain, no more earthly torment, no more disappointments, hardships or heartache. You are where we all long to be and I for one, am so envious. I want desperately to be with you. And that desire gets stronger every day. I too, want to be home and as much as I love and miss you every single day - I truly would not call you back to the mess of this world even if I could. I would love to go to you, but I would not want you to see and experience what is going on in our world today. You could not stand it.
I always thought that the first thing I'd ever say if I could talk to you would be to ask you what on earth happened - but funny when I saw you in that dream, for the first time in months - that really did not even cross my mind. It did not seem to matter. "Going Home" was all that mattered. It was as if that just said all that needed to be said. I was at peace and satisfied as if that answered all of the questions that had tormented me day and night for months.
I look so forward to the day when I will be with you again. I miss you all every day and I love you.
Mom
