March madness

Yesterday would have been Brian's 51st birthday and though I did as I have for the last nine years, I had two weeks of funk prior to his actual birthday.  And it took me until almost the day of his birthday to realize what was causing it.  It was just an overwhelming sadness that there appeared to be no reason for --until I remembered it was yet again March.  I felt it but there was a little something different this year in that although the sadness was there when I realized it and acknowledged it --I just let it come. I sat with it, I let it wash over me, I gave it a little space in my life.  But I didn't let it overtake me.  I didn't cry.  And once I recognized it and let it have its space, I was good.  And on the actual day of his birthday, I had a relatively normal average day.  

That was huge. 

Ten years since the last birthday that I ever got to spend with him; a milestone and yet it was a pretty good day.  Four people contacted me and acknowledged it and let me know they were thinking of me and that was so nice but there was no sadness surrounding it.  I mentioned it casually and remembered him of course but it didn't consume my day or my emotions.

Last week I dreamed about him.  A pretty rare thing though I'm not sure why.  I always long to dream of him but just don't.  But last week was also a first in that I dreamed about him, and it was just a normal day with him in the dream.  Usually in any dreams I have had of him, I seem to know that he is really gone even though I am with him.  I want to talk to him at length.  I want to ask questions.  I want to relish every second of my time with him and it always seems to fly too quickly.  It always seems like 'unfinished business' or like I want to hold onto him because subconsciously I am aware that my time with him is rare and limited.  But not this time.  This time the dream was just an average everyday dream that he was a part of.  Like when he was living, and I spent an average day with him.  I didn't think about missing him or losing him or needing to hold him there for just a few minutes longer.  We went about an average day, and he just happened to be a part of it.  That was huge to me.  Just huge.  It felt normal for the first time in so many years.  I awoke.  I remembered the dream.  And it did not make me sad.  I didn't feel that terrible longing.  It did not dominate the next several days or even that day! 

Of course, even though both of those things are big, I have lived with grief long enough to know not to take that as an indication that this is over for good and that his next birthday won't just wreck me or that the next time, I dream of him I won't again cry for the day and be sad for days on end.  But it does indicate that though grief comes, goes and then comes back again I now know too that when it shows progress and heads in a direction of healing it may circle back a time or two but praise God, it gets there eventually.  So it is still cause for feeling hopeful and optimistic.  

I just had a friend describe it pretty accurately.  She said that grief kind of moves in a 'figure 8' fashion.  And she should know, she lost her husband and soul mate after 25 years of marriage to a heart attack almost 20 years ago.  So she is seeing it from a 20-year perspective.  And that sounds about right.  It moves upward like it is going in the right direction for a while.  You come to a high place and think you are completely out of the weeds and then it starts across and then back down crisscrossing, flirts with the bottom and then starts back up again. 

You move through it one small accomplishment at a time.  It is still there but you've conquered one milestone - at first, they are small milestones like the first time you can casually walk past their favorite food in the grocery store and just go on with your shopping.  Then one day you can look at their picture and it doesn't make you cry.  And pretty soon you remember something amusing they said or did and you actually begin to laugh about it.  So, they are baby steps for sure. Then one day you hit a bigger milestone -- like a dream that doesn't wreck you.  

And sure, you may wind and twist about and still have your unexpected small things that cause a meltdown, but you find that one day when you least expect it --you realize you've conquered a birthday!  

 

2014 - 2024 --Ten Years! How is that possible?

I find it almost impossible to believe that we are now going into our tenth year since we lost Brian, Kara and Paxton. No way did I think that we still would not know the truth about what happened 10 years later.

Ten Years!  

And I'm not sure but I think ten years is long enough.  I think I am going to make this my final year of posting on the blog.  Seems like a good time to say goodbye.  And finally cease with logging my thoughts, emotions and grief over this tremendous loss.  In ten years I should have told the story, processed the grief, learned the lessons, uncovered the insights.  Told our side of how this horrific tragedy along with the speedy determination of murder/suicide has affected us.  Let anyone that never knew him, know who Brian was before the tragic day that now defined his life. I should have revealed the injustices we faced through law enforcement, let anyone that cared know why we never believed this story and told you of the inconsistencies and loose ends that we knew about that no one else ever heard. 

I have beat that dead horse enough already and there is very little left to say about all of that that has not already been said.

So, in this 10th and final year, I hope to spend our time together telling how I have healed even through the ups and downs.  Letting you  know how my faith survived in spite of what seemed to me like insurmountable odds.  I want you to know the lessons I've learned through catastrophic grief. I want to tell you what insights God has revealed to me through this and how I have grown through this.  I hope to let you know what good has come in spite of this and what good may have come because of this.  And I am sure as we go through 2024 - our last year together I will still be learning and growing and hope to pass on those things that may benefit you as well.  

I want to let you know what I have done that has worked to help me through this and what I have tried that has not.  And let you know how I have hopefully helped others because of this so should you ever face a tragedy that you think you cannot survive you might remember that I did and you can know which paths to take and which to avoid.  And that you might know going in that though it will be hard and it may seem impossible - if I could survive it, so can you.

I want you to know that your faith will be tested beyond what you ever thought possible and though it may not look the same as it used to -- it can survive.  It can even strengthen and grow.  I want you to understand that sometimes God can be right there with you, holding you, protecting you and you can still be unaware of it in that moment.  It was always the absolute most important thing to me from day one of this that my faith survive.  

I want you to know how your relationship with grief changes over time and that was something I could not know until I had walked with it and lived in it ten years.  Some things you only learn from seeing them in the rear view mirror.  Some lessons and some insights can only be seen from a distance.  And you need that perspective to see them clearly.

I want to update you this year on chronic, sporadic depression - and the ups and downs of grief ten years out.

Over these ten years if you've followed me here you've likely already realized one thing you may not have already known -- that grief could last ten long years. Even that is a lesson that could benefit you one day. When you wonder as I did - if this is normal.  When you are discouraged, confused and find yourself asking on a regular basis: What's wrong with me?  Am I going crazy?  When will this ever end?

And I want you to know that for the most part of this ten long years it remained the second most important thing to me that someday we would find out the truth about what happened.  And I want you to know where I stand with that today ten years later.

So hopefully, I can spend the next several months relating all of this in hindsight and if it has helped you or helped you see things like this in a different perspective then I have accomplished what I set out to do.

Here's wishing you all a happy and healthy 2024!