Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Today it doesn't matter...

why or how this happened.  What matters is that it did.  They are all three gone and I will never see them again...

Everyday for the past month and it has been a month today - We have all have been consumed with the fact that there is no way that this happened like the Detectives on the scene said that it did.

I knew my son. 

Nothing was wrong in his life to bring him to such desperation.  There were no marital issues. There were no mental issues.  He loved his wife with all his heart.  "He had plans."  I keep telling them: "He had plans!"  He did not plan to die and he certainly didn't plan to kill the family that he adored.  None of this makes sense.  Regardless of what they did or did not find that indicates there was no foul play - something still has to make sense. 

According to all that we were told, they based their decision that fateful day on the fact that "there was no sign of forced entry."  Yet, when my daughter called them to come and check on things - they entered the house through an open ground floor window!  A window hidden from street view by shrubs and it was literally on the ground - they opened it and stepped through into a spare bedroom in the finished basement.  They didn't even force their entry.  The only other thing we heard as to why they deemed it murder/suicide was that "nothing was missing".  Yet they had no idea what was or was not missing as they never asked a single soul.  I assume that meant: The TV was still hanging on the wall.  My daughter has repeatedly told them that there was another gun - his gun - which they never found and we never found later so obviously - that was missing.  We have told them repeatedly that he did not, could not under any circumstances "do this".  But they don't seem to care about that.  They had made their minds up.  It did not seem to matter that none of it made sense. 

It didn't matter what that judgment call has done to our family.  It never mattered that a man that put his children ahead of everything in his life was now going to leave this horrible legacy for his remaining children and all of us - to have to live with as well as the questions that haunt our every moment and the holes it has left in all of our lives.  He could no more have hurt that baby than I could.  I absolutely adored that baby and the only people on earth that loved him more --were his parents.  Tell me anything and I might believe it but do not tell me my son hurt that child.  That simply did not happen. Period.

Then there were all of the inconsistencies that were told to us about the extent of the investigation.  The family and friends were going to be questioned to try and determine "why" this could have happened.  That was announced on national television - but it certainly never happened.  They spoke with the family that was on the scene and every one of them told them he was absolutely not capable of such a thing and other than that they spoke only to neighbors that did not know him at all.
Then when we tried to get answers we were told all of the evidence gathered at the scene would be sent to the GBI and they would be in charge of the investigation.  A ballistics test would be done; a toxicology screen would be done as well as an autopsy.  They would compile their findings, file their own report and send it back to the local agents and this would all take about three months or so the detective told both me and my daughter.   After that time, he would be glad to sit down with us and go over the findings.

Three weeks afterwards with still no answers I called the GBI - They were not finishing up their report as I had been told because there was no report.  They had never been called and were not involved in the investigation at all.  I called the GBI Medical Examiner's office to ask when the toxicology report would be back - If they were going to tell me Brian did this awful thing - they had better find some evidence of some drug overdose or drug interaction that would explain it.  The M.E.'s office said, "We aren't doing a toxicology report.  Who told you that?  No one ever ordered one."  So no GBI nvestigation was done. No toxicology report was done.  Why not, and why were we told there would be? Now there is no evidence. The bodies have been cremated and the scene was released for clean up.  The story was released to the news media within an hour with their decision made and we, the families that have suffered this God-awful loss ---have been told absolutely nothing.

However they gave the news crews enough information to convince the entire population of North America and the U.K. that my son was a murderer totally wrecking the lives of all of our family.  His other two children have been tormented on Facebook,  totally destroying the memory they had of the dad they loved and trusted. They were able to tell their sensational news-worthy tragedy of the day - while no one that knew him even got the opportunity to question it or dispute it.  According to what little we were told, there was no hard evidence that would point to my son and yet my son's entire life was laid to waste because of the legacy he now leaves.

And because of the stigma attached to my son - we have been treated like none of us mattered or had feelings or have suffered a horrendous loss.  When I called the Coroner's office to ask about what precious little information was gathered I asked her "What were the drugs that were taken from the scene"  She told me there were five prescription bottles taken and told me what two were and then said she did not know what the other three were.  Excuse me?  So then I asked "What exactly would the autopsy reveal?"  Her smart ass answer to me was that "He died of a gun-shot wound to the head but I imagine you already knew that."  When we received the death certificates in the mail - the very professional reason for his death - SHOT SELF. 

This was my child! The child that I carried for nine months and gave birth to.  The child I cuddled and rocked.  The child that I love. 

The tragic events that have forever altered our lives were made hundreds of times worse by the judgment call made in less than an hour.

But today - today all that matters is that they are gone forever from our lives.  I will never spend another holiday with my entire family.  I will never see that baby enjoy another Christmas tree or his third birthday or play hide and seek or hear him sing in a school play.  I will never see him catch his first fish or run at a track meet or go to the prom or even break his "binky" habit.

I will never see the excitement on my daughter in law's face when she celebrates her 30th birthday.

I will never hear my son's voice again.

Whatever the rest of the world thinks of him which is yet unjustified - He is still my son and I am still his mom and I love him now and forever.

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