Nowhere.
I have not made one single effort in the attempt to write the book. I just cannot wrap my head around this story becoming a book. I've only told a small handful of people about the prospects and have gotten nothing but positive opinions. The consensus is that since I could not find anything at all in the way of positive, hopeful or encouraging stories that I could relate to concerning a situation like this - that I should write it so others can. And I get that and maybe I should. I want to or at least I want to want to. But something about it seems kind of "wrong" too. Like capitalizing on such a god-awful tragedy. I was only able to do this blog because I had to have an outlet for all of my emotions. I had to do something to give Brian a voice and make him human to those that only saw a monster. It was all that kept me going for such a long time. I had a positive reason for it. I felt like it had a higher purpose, and it did not give me any opportunity for credit, fame or profit. It was just a way to honor the three of them, remember them and grieve them the way I was not allowed to do. It helped me vent. It helped me process. It helped me --period.
I just wish I could get it in my head that a book might do the same... And, if I'm honest, I'm a little afraid of it. I'm afraid that in writing it all again from the start and reliving it all again from the beginning that I will go back into that deep pit that it took me years to come out of. It may give me insights and possibly help someone else going through this --but I'm just not sure I could take it all again and I know that is a large part of what is holding me back. When I started this blog, I had no way to go but up. My progress through this has been slow, start and stop, backwards a little and forward a little and it has taken me eight long years. I don't think I could take it if it took me backwards and I'm just afraid it will. I am afraid of those emotions again. I'm older and not as strong or resilient as I used to be. Eight years of this has taken its toll. Some days I'm still not sure I'm going to make it. And on those days going backwards ...No.
But it is true that I read over 100 grief books trying to find something that would help me or encourage me or give me hope and could find nothing I could relate to. I just had to take all of them glean what I could and create a composite of little generic positives from each and do the best I could with that. It wasn't what I needed. It wasn't what I'd hoped for but it was the best I could do.
There is definitely a need. I just need the courage to try. And of course, the desire, the talent, the enthusiasm, the motivation, the encouragement and the time!
