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Yesterday would have been Brian's 51st birthday and though I did as I have for the last nine years, I had two weeks of funk prior to his actual birthday. And it took me until almost the day of his birthday to realize what was causing it. It was just an overwhelming sadness that there appeared to be no reason for --until I remembered it was yet again March. I felt it but there was a little something different this year in that although the sadness was there when I realized it and acknowledged it --I just let it come. I sat with it, I let it wash over me, I gave it a little space in my life. But I didn't let it overtake me. I didn't cry. And once I recognized it and let it have its space, I was good. And on the actual day of his birthday, I had a relatively normal average day.
That was huge.
Ten years since the last birthday that I ever got to spend with him; a milestone and yet it was a pretty good day. Four people contacted me and acknowledged it and let me know they were thinking of me and that was so nice but there was no sadness surrounding it. I mentioned it casually and remembered him of course but it didn't consume my day or my emotions.
Last week I dreamed about him. A pretty rare thing though I'm not sure why. I always long to dream of him but just don't. But last week was also a first in that I dreamed about him, and it was just a normal day with him in the dream. Usually in any dreams I have had of him, I seem to know that he is really gone even though I am with him. I want to talk to him at length. I want to ask questions. I want to relish every second of my time with him and it always seems to fly too quickly. It always seems like 'unfinished business' or like I want to hold onto him because subconsciously I am aware that my time with him is rare and limited. But not this time. This time the dream was just an average everyday dream that he was a part of. Like when he was living, and I spent an average day with him. I didn't think about missing him or losing him or needing to hold him there for just a few minutes longer. We went about an average day, and he just happened to be a part of it. That was huge to me. Just huge. It felt normal for the first time in so many years. I awoke. I remembered the dream. And it did not make me sad. I didn't feel that terrible longing. It did not dominate the next several days or even that day!
Of course, even though both of those things are big, I have lived with grief long enough to know not to take that as an indication that this is over for good and that his next birthday won't just wreck me or that the next time, I dream of him I won't again cry for the day and be sad for days on end. But it does indicate that though grief comes, goes and then comes back again I now know too that when it shows progress and heads in a direction of healing it may circle back a time or two but praise God, it gets there eventually. So it is still cause for feeling hopeful and optimistic.
I just had a friend describe it pretty accurately. She said that grief kind of moves in a 'figure 8' fashion. And she should know, she lost her husband and soul mate after 25 years of marriage to a heart attack almost 20 years ago. So she is seeing it from a 20-year perspective. And that sounds about right. It moves upward like it is going in the right direction for a while. You come to a high place and think you are completely out of the weeds and then it starts across and then back down crisscrossing, flirts with the bottom and then starts back up again.
You move through it one small accomplishment at a time. It is still there but you've conquered one milestone - at first, they are small milestones like the first time you can casually walk past their favorite food in the grocery store and just go on with your shopping. Then one day you can look at their picture and it doesn't make you cry. And pretty soon you remember something amusing they said or did and you actually begin to laugh about it. So, they are baby steps for sure. Then one day you hit a bigger milestone -- like a dream that doesn't wreck you.
And sure, you may wind and twist about and still have your unexpected small things that cause a meltdown, but you find that one day when you least expect it --you realize you've conquered a birthday!
