I have had a really difficult time this week with my faith and trust. I mean really difficult. And then today I was given a very special gift.
Paxton had a serious "Binky" addiction and I always thought it was just too cute. So when my daughter asked if there was anything that I wanted "personal" from the house, the only thing I could think of was one of Paxton's Binkies. She searched the house over and could not find even one which was highly unusual since he must have had 20 at any given time. We concluded that Kara must have finally won the "battle of the Binky" and removed them all from the house. I was very sad that I could not have one to hold onto. Usually he had at least two at my house but the previous weekend he had raided my silverware drawer and taken the last one that I had.
I had been hoping for six weeks to dream about them just so I could see them one more time. Friday morning I awoke after almost no sleep all night and I had dreamed about the kids for the very first time. I never saw Paxton's face but I held him and cuddled him I walked over to a railing of some sort and looked down to the floor below and there was a Binky I laughed and told Paxton that I saw a Binky. It did not appear to be one of his and I actually thought it belonged to another child but I told him "I don't think it is one of yours but if we play our cards right little man, we can grab it and run." He could not see what I was pointing at and I picked up the broom and used it to actually get really close to it and point so he could see it. That was all that I recall about that dream. I was glad to have finally dreamt of him but sad that I never saw his face and sad all over again that I wasn't able to get one of his pacifiers.
This afternoon I was at home and I started looking in odd places around my house that he may have stashed one or dropped one; under couch cushions, under beds, in the drawer where I kept his clothes and diapers. No luck. I had carefully checked under the bed he always slept in and saw nothing then when I walked to the other side of the room I looked back at the bed and realized that the headboard had spindles and sort of looked like the rail in my dream. I had just checked under that bed but for whatever reason, I walked to the headboard and looked straight down behind the head of the bed. There face-up --was a Binky. There had been a roll of wrapping paper under there that was laying in front of it and it could have only been seen from above! And just like in the dream, it was not one of his that I was familiar with - must have been a new one when he dropped it. It was right in the center of the bed and could not be reached from either side and the first thing I thought of was to get the broom and use the handle to coax it out.
I sat in the middle of the floor holding that binky and sobbing tears of ..."Gratitude".
God knew that just like Paxton did sometimes - I just needed a pacifier! Guess I'm over my mad spell with God.