Monday, October 6, 2014

How long?

Tomorrow I am actually going to "try" to go back into the office for the first time.  My baby sister is coming up here to sit at the clinic with our sister that is scheduled for a bone marrow transplant on Thursday of this week. 

We are now renting a house twelve miles from the bone marrow clinic and my sister and her husband moved in it with us back in July.  The BMT treatment center requires that she live no more than 30 minutes from the clinic because should she get a fever of 100.5 we only have about thirty minutes to get her to that treatment center or she could die - no pressure there.  I am absolutely heart-broken over my sister facing a life-threatening disease like leukemia and a daunting year-long (also life-threatening) treatment. I am also her designated care-giver which requires about six hours a day five to seven days a week sitting in the BMT clinic while she goes through heavy doses of chemo-therapy, gets blood transfusions, platelets, fluids, antibiotics etc., it also requires: that she be in as germ-free an environment as possible because she is so subject to infection, monitoring her extensive medication regimen and preparing her meals a certain way so as to not expose her to chemicals or bacteria, getting her prescriptions filled and driving her to the clinic, doctors, the hospital and the cancer center for procedures and as if that were not devastating enough, one month into this year-long treatment --I lose three of my children?

Needless to say, I have not been at my best where her care is concerned and she has been caring for me most days instead.  I am so not mentally, emotionally or physically where I need to be in order to be all to her that I need to be.  And the transplant is Thursday and that is where the real challenges begin.  I feel useless and cannot do one thing about it.  Most days I don't feel like I can hardly put one foot in front of the other.
We went to the first session of a 12- week grief seminar last week.  I don't know how much it will help but we are desperate for something. 

There were maybe a dozen people there.  We watched a video on the stages of grief and some of the things that we could expect to experience.  Looks like I have finally found something I am doing right.  Except that my "stages" seem to jump back and forth and sometimes come all at the same time. Unfortunately, no where did it say when this would get better.  No where were there answers to all of my whys.  Mostly, though we said very little, these were the questions on my mind....  The scary thing was that the lady running the seminar had lost her son almost four years ago and she and her husband, though better I'm sure ---were still crying.  That was not encouraging.

I did have four days last week in a row that I did not cry.  That was something. 
It has been six weeks since we got the awful news.  And six solid weeks that I have woke up every single day at 4:00 A.M.
August 23rd, the day before my children were all found shot to death in their home.  Saturday morning at 4:00 A.M. I sat straight up in bed from a sound sleep and burst into uncontrollable tears for no known reason.  It would be Sunday evening before I discovered the reason...and I have been waking up at 4:00 A.M. ever since. 
How long --I wonder will that go on? 

How long will I just be carrying on life as usual and suddenly burst into tears in Walmart when I pass the toy department; the shoe department; the baby clothes or the Halloween costumes? Oh and as of late it is also included the drug store, grocery store and even Tractor Supply...

How long will I be working along and my phone will ring and I think --"Oh that's probably Brian." and as I reach for the phone I realize - It will never be Brian again?

How long will it be before I stop looking for text messages from Kara with the video of the day of Paxton to add to my treasured collection?

How long before I can walk into a public place and not feel that everyone in there "knows" and is staring at me and fight the urge to turn and run out?

How long before I can walk into my living room and not cry over the sofa pillows?

How long before my mind and body stop acting like I have just found out making me constantly relive the worst day of my life - over and over and over?

How long before I can stop flitting back and forth between screaming, crying and raging anger?

How long before I give up trying to find the answers to how and why this happened; turning scenarios over and over in my mind to find that none of them still make sense?

How long until I stop feeling like God has a grudge against me?

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