It has been several days since I have posted. It has been a really crazy week. My sister had the stem cell transplant yesterday and there has been an enormous amount of preparation in order to get ready for that. I have not had time to post or do much else for that matter.
She is in the hospital for now and I feel guilty that I did not go today. I hated leaving her there alone but she is in good hands and is getting excellent care. She had so many there yesterday we could hardly jam them in the room and today she is alone. But I just could not go. I feel like I am just before a total physical and mental breakdown and I am having really scary thoughts. So I stayed put today. I wanted to just sit here alone and scream and cry if I chose and not have to put on a happy face for anyone and not have to "do" anything. I just wanted to feel what I feel and have no responsibility today.
Tomorrow - I will do better.
I have called about getting some counseling for the second time. First time didn't work out so well. Got put on hold, then got an answering service and then no one ever returned my call...not sure why I'd even bother again. Great plan - like putting you through to voice mail on the Suicide Prevention Line??? And I don't know when I think I'm going to have time to go but I'm going to try before I completely lose my mind. Maybe I can find a counselor that can see me between the hours of 3:30 AM and 5:00? I'm free about then...
Things do not seem to be getting much better. I did have four days in a row last week without a melt down --but we are back on schedule now. I am still struggling with my faith and trying very hard to hang on. We went to the second Grief Share meeting last night and then a friend sent me a YouTube video sermon by Rick Warren after the loss of his son to suicide. It was almost a word for word confirmation of last night's session. I did get one take away last night that stood out to me and I thought was really great. *** We worry because we question God and ask "why?" because we feel somehow that that is wrong and if we were really Christians we would not question or ask why - they said "But Atheists don't worry about that. Only someone that fears God cares about what God thinks about what you say or do." *** I thought that was pretty good. Never thought about it like that.
I don't know if it is helping my grief or pain at all but it does seem to be ministering to my feelings of doubt and hopelessness and Lord knows I need that and sadly, I do not seem to be able to get it anywhere else.
The video was great. Here is the link http://youtu.be/gaQ_oTp7tKY if anyone is interested. It is long - but worth it.
I was headed back to bed this morning at 5:30 with some serious dark thoughts and decided I would check my Email for the Blog and had a very kind Email from one of my readers that had been through a similar experience. She has no idea how much that helped. Just hearing about the similarities in the way the investigation was handled, the legacy that was left so different from who they really were and the stigma attached to it that makes it even more difficult to live with. It made me not feel so alone in this and gave me hope knowing she lived through it and came out ok on the other side of this. Thank you for taking the time to write.
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