Monday, October 13, 2014

What exactly --could be worse?

I had a very full day today.  I actually went in to work again and I definitely can see the benefits to getting your life back to some small semblance of normalcy.  Afterward I went to the hospital to see my sister.  She had a rough weekend with the dreaded "fever" 103!  She was better today thank God.  So I just visited a little while, picked up her dirty clothes and ran home to wash and dry them so that I could send them back clean with her husband when he got in.

I finally got a therapist to return my call.  She actually tried to talk me into going to someone else because she didn't have an opening until next Monday and she did not think I should put it off.  It has been six weeks and she is the first one that has returned my call - I'll take whatever she has open.  So I have an appointment next Monday afternoon.

The Sergeant at the Sheriff's office emailed me that the autopsy was back and that he wanted to see me so that he could discuss in further detail "all" of my concerns.  He said Tuesday was the only day that he had any time available so I had planned to go back and meet with him again tomorrow but he has never responded to my email asking what time.  So much for that... 

I'm quite sure it will be another wasted trip anyway where he assures me that he did everything he was supposed to and that we would never know the answers to all the whys but that it absolutely was a murder suicide and thank you for coming.  We are done here.

Wasted trip or not, I will go because I will do whatever I can do to get any closer to the truth. I remember after that first week when we were all going crazy trying to make sense of all this - my son in law asked me to please stop searching for answers.  He was afraid the answers that I might find may just make it worse.  How?  What could they possibly tell me that would be worse than this? 

What could be worse than them saying my son killed his beautiful 29 year old wife and their precious baby boy and then himself?  What could be worse than everyone in the free world thinking that my son is a murderer?  What could be worse than my knowing how very much he adored them and was absolutely not consciously capable of this and yet "this" is the official determination that we all have to live with?  What could be worse than not knowing what to say when someone says "Oh my God, what happened?"  Or in the case where they already know --"What was wrong? What was going on in his life?  He must have had a lot on his mind.  Had he lost his job?  Was his wife leaving him?  Was he depressed?"  And I always wonder if they actually believe any of these reasons would justify "this"? 

What could be worse than living in a small town and knowing everywhere I go people "know" and are pointing and staring at me until I am uncomfortable even going out in public in a town that I have lived in over 20 years?  What could be worse than having the people that have been my friends, my co-workers, my church family and my neighbors for many years - actually avoid me now because they do not know how to act, what to say or how to be with me anymore? 

What could be worse than having the coroner be so judgmental and have such a negative opinion about my son that she is rude and downright cruel when she talks to me about the death of my child because clearly she thinks that he "deserved" to die?  And I guess by virtue of our being blood relatives that we all deserved to have lost our family and do not deserve any compassion or respect. 

What could be worse than knowing that my son, up until that day, a loving and dedicated husband and father - was not even placed with his family in death but in separate states to be separated for all eternity from the wife and child he adored?  What could be worse than knowing we, as his family, were not to be a part of the Memorial Service for the daughter-in-law we all loved and the baby I had loved and nurtured since his birth?   

I would stake my life on the fact that my son did not consciously do this but I absolutely know that we, did not and yet we have all been punished as if we are all guilty of this horrific tragedy.  So, really, what could be worse than this?


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