Thursday, October 16, 2014

Justice - is not like Burger King, you cannot have it your way...

People wonder that I am not angry at Brian.  I think most people expect me to be and I know when my sister lost her husband to a heart-attack she recalls being illogically angry at him for leaving her.  According to the Grief Share program we are attending that seems to be a pretty common thread.  And maybe those days will come when the devastation of the deep loss lets up some but so far I haven't really been and I guess it is because I have never been able to believe he did this. Could Brian have been suicidal?  Yes.  Absolutely.  It is the murder part that does not make sense.

In the Grief Share program tonight we were reminded that God chooses our time to die and He knew it before we were even born.  That is something to think about that maybe in the near future will bring me some comfort.

It's funny when you look at things from a different perspective how the way you view the outcome can be so different from your initial take on things...

I had been really upset by the unfairness of all of this.  For sixteen years Brian was literally tormented by his ex-wife after they divorced and yet at my insistence and constant reminder that "vengeance belongs to God"; he always did the right thing.  But during the time of his divorce I have seen him to the point of suicide several times because of all she took from him.  I have talked him off the ledge many nights as he paced the floor at my home until daylight.  She took his entire life from him and I watched as it slowly ate away at him.  His life, his innocence, his ability to trust in love changed forever.  I used to try comforting him by telling him: "There is a God and vengeance belongs to Him." and that if he kept doing the right thing he would someday see justice as God righted those wrongs but "only in God's time."  The first spark of anger I had was the thought that God had allowed this to happen and where was the justice in that?  By all accounts, it appeared I had told my son a pack of lies for years.  As I looked over in the Memorial Service and there on the front row --sat his ex-wife.  My child is gone, and there happy and healthy sits the one -- that took his children and everything he had from him and made his life so miserable for more than sixteen years. 

In the beginning although I did not have anger at him; I had anger for every person that had ever hurt him.  I had anger at gun distributors, I had anger at God; mainly over the fact that in my faith I had lied to Brian all these years.  Then tonight the lady that leads the group said, (like I had never heard it before) "Your loved ones are in Paradise tonight."  Now on some level of course I knew that and several people had said it to me before but it just sounded like a trite consolation prize.  But tonight - I guess God opened my eyes and ears and let it sink in and the first thing I realized was -- there really was justice after all. 

It did not come in the manner I expected but it seldom ever does.  But there is Divine justice in the fact that all three were together in Paradise sitting at the right hand of God.  Resting in joy and perfect peace where there is no more pain emotional or physical while she was sitting on the front row of the church just like the rest of us --facing her own mortality in a sinful, evil world that is fading fast. 

Maybe her justice comes in staying while his peace was found in leaving?

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