Wednesday, April 8, 2015

We are getting really good at pretending...

We pretended Thanksgiving was not on Thursday this year and held a “family get-together” on Saturday instead that was definitely not Thanksgiving.  

Then we pretended for some reason -- perhaps a new law went into effect - one that I don't remember ever voting for, like day-light savings time or mandatory insurance -- that required that Christmas be canceled this year.  Maybe it will be on schedule for next year who knows? Congress is still out on that right now.  But for 2014 Christmas was eliminated from the calendar.

I also pretended Paxton was just out of town for his third birthday.  Maybe off to Florida enjoying Disney or Legoland and that is why we did not buy the gifts we'd wanted to give him or have cake and watch him blow out candles or gather around him and sing “Haddy Dirtday” to him. 

Then I had the brilliant idea to actually let Brian’s birthday take place this year.  I decided we would remember him by baking his favorite cake then we would all get together and go out for pizza.  We'd reminisce about him tell funny "Brian stories" laugh and celebrate his life.

That did not work out quite like I’d planned.  

I cried for three solid weeks afterward.

Turns out pretending was working way better for me so I opted to go back to pretending.   And so Easter this year was just another Sunday.  For the first time in twenty years we did not attend Sunrise Service or the fellowship breakfast afterward.  I did not go and help out with the Easter-Egg hunt on Saturday (although I did stuff 180 plastic eggs so as not to be a complete slacker.)  I did not buy a new springy pastel Easter dress but instead rummaged through my closet and dragged out a regular black and tan dress. I raked a comb through my hair, dabbed on some mascara and managed to show up for Sunday-School.  I didn’t even hear the sermon preached during the regular service but chose to keep the nursery instead.  I saw none of my children or grandchildren nor did I, in fact, see any family at all other than my husband that lives there.  The two of us ate lunch out and came back to the rental house early and watched TV till time to go to bed.

I’m going to Memphis to Graceland for Mother’s Day.  I'm pretending to be on vacation...


  1. I came across your blog after reading an article on feeling numb during grieving. I have been reading through your writings for the past hour. I had everything planned out on what I would say to you because of your horrific loss. But now I am just crying. I actually thought I was doing pretty good with the "grief thing" this past week....actually feeling pretty darn proud of myself. Short lived.
    August 8, 2014 my 28 year old son Brandon took his own life. 2 days before my 59th birthday. 8 and a 1/2 months ago. He was my best friend and beach buddy and my youngest child. It goes without saying that we are all shattered and broken. I have a 32 year old son Derek, daughter-in-law Christina and a 2 year old grand daughter named Alyse. The light of our life. They live with us. Derek found his younger brother that day with a bag tied over his head. Now I am trying to wrap my head around you losing your son, DIL and Grand baby! OMG
    I am so so so sorry. I want to give you a big hug. I want to tell you that I am here for you. I want to tell you I understand your pain. I do understand your pain but not to the magnitude you are in the throws of. We will never get over this. We will never get through this but somehow by the grace of God we will hopefully learn to live with it. Big hugs to you, Brian's Mom <3 <3 Love to you, Brandon's Mom, Carla Stewart. I am on FB if you would like to contact me or my email is

  2. Thank you Carla for your kind words. I am so sorry for your loss. I will Email you later.