Thursday, March 19, 2015

Just random thoughts

It has been one of the hardest weeks in many months.  Brian’s birthday apparently woke me from a numbness that I had not even realized I was in.  I have cried non-stop until I wonder how much more one can cry and keep producing tears. 

I am not a crier as a general rule.  But the tears I’ve cried since August 23, 2014 far outweigh all the tears I’d cried in the entire 60 years prior.  And I wonder if they will ever stop?

Funny how you will have weird premonitions about things and never understand them until you look back.  I started a Memoir about five years ago and titled it: “Bring on the Rain”. 

Well—it’s here.

And five years ago I thought I’d had a pretty rough life – Oh God, I didn’t know anything then.

But another weird premonition that I have just recently remembered haunts me now day and night.  It came with the announcement that Brian and Kara were engaged to be married.  I kept feeling very anxious and nervous and I told my friend Sara that I was and that I kept having the feeling like “if they get married, he will die.”

I had no idea how or why but those are the words that came to me regarding my anxiety about their marriage.  She kept asking “Why?  What are you thinking is going to happen?”  I had no clear answer except that I just had a bad feeling and felt like he would die.  I could not enjoy the wedding or feel happy for them and I was a nervous wreck for the entire first year.   Then I blew it off and finally got okay with it.  And then…he died.  She died.  They all died.

Things have been very hard lately and I feel like I am hanging off of a mile-high cliff and clinging to the edge by the tips of my fingers –like any little miscue and I’ll plunge to the bottom or I will just tire of hanging on and plunge to the bottom or something will come along and stomp my fingers and I will plunge to the bottom.

Though I’m not completely sure what the “bottom” actually is -- I’m absolutely positive that the threat is very real.  Is it physical death; spiritual death or just a complete break from reality?  I’m not sure but it is an overwhelming darkness that threatens to swallow me and I feel powerless to stop it.

I am not sleeping and I’m sure that is exacerbating any negative feelings I may have.  If I happen to go to sleep it is after midnight and I am waking at 3:00am –even with sleep aids.  That makes it very hard to function on my job or in my life.  What few minutes I slept last night I dreamed that I picked up my phone and had a text message from Brian.  It shocked me so until it woke me up and so I did not get to see what it said – nor did I go back to sleep.  I am running off of 90 minutes of sleep all night and I have a nine hour day at work and an hour commute and then GriefShare until 9:00 tonight.

I feel like I need to get away for a while and yet we had vacation scheduled for next week and I cancelled it.  I just could not go.  Not even my favorite spot – the beach - was a draw.  I was simply not up to planning anything or packing or driving 8-hours.  Nor did I really feel like anything would be enjoyable.  I can’t really see spending the money to sit in a condo somewhere and cry when I can do that at home for free.   

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