Monday, February 23, 2015

Six months later...

Today is six months since the horrific day that rocked our world.  The day that forever changed everything about who we were as a family; how we celebrate holidays; how I spend my weekends and how I now view the world.

There have been as I've noted before many changes since that tragic August day but much more than just the tangible physical changes such as my living arrangements, my best friends, my work arrangements etc.  The changes I refer to now are emotional and spiritual in nature.  Things like my tolerance, my fears, my views of security, my views on life and death, prayer, expectation, love and life goals.

My tolerance for certain things seems to have completely reversed.  The things I used to have a low tolerance for like waiting in a doctors office or sitting in traffic or having my dinner interrupted by sales calls - suddenly do not bother me hardly at all.  After seven months of sitting in the BMT clinic hours on end and having no control over anything regarding the course of my daily life - those no longer rattle me.  However, I find that I have almost no tolerance now for shallow, disloyal and self-centered people. Suddenly now I am quick to let go of people that I should have let go of long ago but just never could.  I think it comes down to finally realizing what I do and do not have control over.

My fears - in some things I have less fear and in others I now have more.  I have less fear about illness, disease or death.  They seem totally unimportant to me now.  But fears where my family are concerned are much stronger as I came to realize that the worst I could ever have imagined - has already happened so anything is possible.  In a little over six weeks I faced losing my sister and best friend as she was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia and then lost my youngest son, my daughter in law and the baby that I adored.  I realized cruelly that we are not exempt from the worst that the world has to offer and suddenly I no longer feel protected.  Prayers did not stop this and my false sense of security has been shattered.  So that fear is very real as I now know I live with no safety net.

Goals - I used to have life goals, hopes dreams and expectations for how our life would be.  My to do list now consists of just being able to get my shoes on the right feet today.

Prayer - I used to pray when I woke up; pray when I drove; pray before I went to sleep and sometimes in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.  I kept a prayer journal --several as a matter of fact.  I didn't just pray at church on Sunday I literally prayed about everything.  I asked for God's guidance in everything.  I looked for His hand in every situation and I saw miracles in the everyday.  For someone that literally prayed about everything six months ago - I am now afraid to pray for or about anything.  And my everyday miracle now is that I am still waking up.

I think back about some of the last things I prayed for before all of this happened.  I prayed for a closer relationship with my daughter.  And we certainly have that now as we have been drawn closer together by the common bond of the tragic loss of three people we dearly loved.  We now share in the mystery, the pain and the horror of living through a triple death. 

I prayed I could be more patient and tolerant.  As I said that too was answered as I sat an average of six hours a day in a bone marrow transplant clinic with my sister and my best friend as she went through hell fighting for her life. 

I also prayed that Brian would be able to find some peace in his life...

And the last thing on my constant list that I prayed for before all this happened was for God to help me be a better person and give me a closer walk with God.  I have just read, in a book called Walking with God through Pain and Suffering --that tragedy and affliction brings a whole new level of closeness in one's relationship to God. 

I might suggest now that you be very careful what you pray for.

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