Sadness and Fear
I have blatantly acknowledged that I've experienced:
- Anger
- Confusion
- Depression
- Betrayal
- Guilt
- Shame
- Helplessness
- Isolation
- Loneliness
- Apathy
- Numbness
- Disbelief
- Thankfulness
- Shock
- Uselessness
- Weakness
- Uncertainty
I am sure I have made myself clear on sadness as well albeit not to the true magnitude that I feel - because you can't really convey that easily and I won't let myself wallow in that mud for fear it will turn out to be "quicksand" and I will not be able to pull myself back out of it. So out of self-preservation I allow myself to experience the overwhelming sadness of this only in short bursts. Then I find a distraction and turn away from it.
So we'll go with fear. I do admit I have not thought much about fear in a while but it is absolutely a crippling and very real part of this.
So what could you have to fear in this? I can tell you first of all that it is NOT fear of you yourself dying. But it is just about everything else.
But when you have been rudely awakened from your magical thinking that things as horrific as this --cannot really happen to you which opens you up to any and all possibilities. Nothing is off limits. The worst of the worst has already happened and so you feel very vulnerable and believe me that scares the living shit out of you.
And you have lost all belief that you and your family are being watched over and taken care of - and that too, makes you extremely fearful. If you've lived your entire life believing that a good and merciful God watches over you and your family and that prayers for your children's safety really matter - a tragedy on this scale - can rock your world in ways I cannot begin to describe. So you have a spiritual fear that if "that" wasn't true - what else that you have always believed is not true? It's kind of like waking up on Christmas morning when you are a child and finding out your parents are Santa Claus. Suddenly you find that something you had believed all your life is not true. All of the magic in life suddenly fades and you feel sad and insecure and betrayed. All of the colors of your world turn to gray as you realize that you've been duped your entire life and worse still by the people you love and trust the most in this world. Your first thoughts are "What else have they lied to me about? Am I even theirs? Do they really love me? Will they someday just go to work and never come back home? Is anything good --real?" Of course unlike Santa I still know there is a God and this is no comparison as far as the magnitude but the feelings of confusion, disillusionment and insecurity are pretty much the same.
Then there is the mind-numbing "terror" of losing someone else you love. So much so until it keeps you up at night and makes a raving lunatic out of you and some part of every single day - miserable.
For instance your son or daughter in law are suddenly plagued with some weird health symptoms - and you automatically jump to worst case scenario and are wringing your hands and pacing the floor; calling until you drive them both nuts. Asking questions, looking up symptoms on the internet, searching your past history for anything that sounds like what they are experiencing. hounding them to go see a doctor, and calling for test results and consulting your friend that is a nurse living in a total but as yet unreasonable panic.
Or perhaps your daughter and son in law stop to help a stranded motorist in a parking lot late at night after leaving a restaurant and you find yourself in a panic-stricken screaming fit because now they won't answer their phones. When they finally do you are screaming at them to stop taking risks with their lives;.angry and yelling about your son in law putting their lives in danger. The same son in law that you dearly love and have always admired for his selfless, kind and compassionate ways.
Or maybe your sister doesn't answer her phone when you call because she's in the shower - and your mind goes instantly to "laying in the floor unconscious alone and in a diabetic coma."
Or your husband breaks out in a rash or has another bout of skin cancer suddenly you are hysterical imagining the worst and obsessing about the stitches, infections, possible incompetence, not getting all of the cancer cells or the lab reading the biopsy wrong and on and on.
Or irrational fears of dates on a calendar. Like August 23 and 24th. I superstitiously will not "do" anything or go anywhere out of the ordinary on those dates. I don't even like to see then written down. I've NEVER been superstitious. What's up with that?
I even fear my 18-year old dog dying. (Really?) It's not because I think she should live forever and not because I can't face the fact that dogs have shorter life spans than people. I've lost many pets over my lifetime but it is because she was Brian's dog. He rescued her from the pound and raised her from a pup. And ten years ago he gave her to me when he and Kara married and moved to where they had no fence. She was the last thing that I have that he gave to me to take care of and love. It will be yet another loss related to his family.
How do these fears affect the quality of my life? I can't sleep. I stress eat. I cannot focus on anything except trying to think of ways to keep all the balls in the air and keep everyone safe - which of course is totally out of my control and that morphs right into "Helpless" which is yet another reason for more fear. Fear of the realization that I am totally powerless to stop anything further from devastating what's left of my life and family.
And maybe she's right. I haven't really fully acknowledged all of the faces of fear that I live with everyday that contribute to the misery that comes with this grief and actually, I haven't scratched the surface still because it seems to change everyday.
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