Friday, January 29, 2016

Why I needed to do this

I needed to write this. I was told to write out my feelings.  I needed to focus on something besides loss.  I needed the validation. I needed to"do" something. I could not do anything about much of any of this and I had to DO something.  I wasn't sure where all this would go but first and foremost I needed to tell Brian's story. The world had a one sided view of him that he did not deserve.  He could not defend himself and I needed to do that for him.

I needed to honor who he really was as a person and who he was before he was "this".

I needed to love him out loud.

I wanted to talk about all the things nobody wanted to hear. I needed to tell someone that there was another side to this story.  I needed someone to hear that there was no real investigation and that there was reason to have doubted what they claimed as true.  I needed for someone besides just me to know that there was in fact little reason to have believed what was told.  I wanted someone else to know what up to now, only we knew.

I wanted to have a place where I could remember them all.  A place where I could display sweet pictures and reminisce about the stories of my children and keep them with me a little while longer.

I wanted others to know what this has done to our lives.

I wanted it to help someone else if it could. I wanted to warn others that they cannot blindly trust what they read in the paper, watch online or hear on the 6:00 news.  Nor can you blindly trust law enforcement to always get it right and that what the crime shows on TV depict bears no resemblance to real life.  I wanted everyone to know that there are always two sides to every story.

I am not special.   I needed e everyone to know if it could happen to me,  it could happen to you. Bad things happen to everyone.

As I worked my way through the horror, I hoped parts of it could be edifying to someone else that was grieving.  Maybe someone else could gain insight or find something I said comforting or useful.

I hoped it would make people think about what they say to others that are grieving. I hoped it would make them see what helped and what hurt.

 I wanted it to make you thankful for your family and true friends and make you live every day with the reality that it could be your last or it could be the last time you ever hear your son's voice, or the last time you ever get to kiss your baby goodnight or the last Christmas you will ever enjoy. You never know when that last time will come. You always think there will be a tomorrow. I thought there would be a tomorrow.  I wanted you to love the people in your life. Put down the phone, get off of Facebook and be present with the people in front of you while you still can.

I wanted to be honest about the struggle with my faith so others would know they were not alone.  I also wanted them to see my faith and know how God has been there for me.  I wanted to be able at some point to let them see my faith stand strong and prevail over doubt in the end.

I wanted to record the miracles I experienced and know about the unusual and unexplainable things that have happened.

I had hoped it might make a difference to someone --and to me. I prayed it would give me a "reason" a purpose --hope.

Maybe it has done some of that.  I know it hasn't done all.

For what it's worth, that was what I hoped and now I think maybe it's just time to say "Goodnight Gracie."


  1. This blog has made a huge impact on me. I feel like I have seen another side of you and another side of all of this. After the first entry I watched every video online of Kara singing and it was so beautiful. I wished I'd had the chance to get to know her. And I heard stories of Paxton and reading them...I could picture it all and I can see clearly the impact he has had. And as far as my uncle Brian he will ALWAYS be the uncle who took care of my cut when I fell playing frisbee with Alex and Heather. The same uncle who drove more than two hours to help me pick out my first car, fix that same car, and help me with my broken air unit at my home three weeks before the tragedy that just won't end. I need you to know that I love you and writing this meant something to at least one person.

  2. Thank you Baby. That was very sweet. Love you too.