Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Things I wish I could say...

To the Sheriff’s Department --

If these were your children my guess is that you’d have done a more thorough job of investigating all of the possibilities and you would not have jumped to this conclusion in the first fifteen minutes.

I’m betting you would have thought a motive was important if either of the three of them had been your child.

This was not an exercise in curiosity.  We really needed to know what happened to our children.  That is not an unreasonable request.

Making up stories did not give me closure.  It negated everything that you had ever told me. I believe what you said about the investigation even less than I already did.

To Kara’s Mom –

We have more in common than you might think.

Our children loved each other and we shared a grandchild.  We share the most profound grief a mother can ever know.

We are family.  I care about what happens to you and what you think and how you feel.  I wish desperately that we could sit down and just talk.

I loved your daughter and more importantly so did Brian – with all his heart.

He knew Kara was worried about you and he had just told her to call you and tell you to pack your things and just come live with them – He told her you would always have a home with them as long as you wanted.

To Kara –

You were a great wife and a great little mom.  I was so proud of you and you were a perfect addition to our family and we all loved you so much.

I appreciate the time that you let me have with your baby.  You were never selfish with him and I was so blessed to have you.  It was because of you that I had the joy of him.  You will never know what the videos you made for me mean to me.  They are my lifeline; especially the last one where you are coaxing Paxton to say: “Hey Nana, I love you.”  I watch it over and over.  It is priceless.  Thank you so much for thinking of me and giving me that to hold onto.

You made Brian happy.  For that I will always be eternally grateful.

He wanted you to have the business you had always wanted because he said that you had always supported his dreams and he wanted to help you realize yours.  He planned to sell off some of his tools so that he could build you a nail/make up salon downstairs so that you could see your dream of a business of your own where you could use your talents and still never have to leave Paxton.

To Brian –

I wish I had hugged you goodbye the last time I saw you but I didn’t and I will always regret that.  Hugging always made you a little uncomfortable and I opted not to for your sake – I wish I had followed my heart.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts.  You can never know what the letter you sent me last year meant to me and you can never know what finding your journal to Paxton has meant to all of us.

No matter what they say, I know and have always known that you did not do this. I knew you and I knew who you were in your heart.

Oh my God, what on earth happened?

To Paxton –

You were the light of my life and truly a gift from God.  I don’t know how I am going to go on without you.

I wish I could just hold you one more time but then I know that would not be enough either.

I will remember always the gift you gave me last Christmas when you spoke the first complete sentence I’d ever heard you say when you saw me come in and yelled across the room at the top of your lungs: “Nana, I missed you!”  It melted my heart and made me cry right on the spot.  They were the sweetest words I’d ever heard.  I miss you too baby boy – so much until it physically hurts.

I love you so much and I think about you every single day and truly, do not know how I will live without you.

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