I think I need to talk to someone.
Now I can't seem to cry. I'm crying on the inside but I no longer seem to be able to hit that pressure release valve and really cry. It has been several Sunday's now and I'm feeling desperate. Vacation and camping trip and Mother's Day and Father's Day and races that were rained out --have all preempted my Sunday Relief Day and now I'm stuck. Back in the weeds with no relief in sight.
I’m quite familiar with the signs of depression but somehow I missed them as I wrote:
And I don't know if you'd call it mental or spiritual or emotional or a combination of all but I have zero attachment to this life anymore. I don't care about things like life's silly competitions, making new friends, or even hanging onto old friends, I don't care about "things" anymore; like new cars, clothes, furnishings or just stuff in general. I still buy what I need but --I don't care about it one way or the other --I just don't care. I have health issues that I refuse to go get seen about because --I don't care. I no longer want to struggle to stay in this life. This world truly does not feel like my home anymore and I'm ready to go home. Things of this world no longer have a hold on me. I"m okay living in this world and I function in it. I will fix food and eat, I will buy clothes and shoes because I need them. I will take the medicine I have for chronic high blood pressure because I do not want to be dibilitated and be a burden on anyone else but would I go to extreme measures to buy a few more months or years by taking chemo or having mutilating surgeries - I don't think I would. I don't necessarily want to die but if it is my time, I'm really okay with it.
Classic depression and yet I didn't recognize it as such..Crazy after all this time how that could slip past me.
I've been getting some online help with some issues and I think it is helping. My granddaughter is getting counseling and now going to Griefshare. I hope it helps her. I'm learning its never too late..
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