After seven years I have finally been able to write something I guess fit to publish again. It was of course on the subject of grieving and recovery. On that I feel I have expertise. The story will be in a new anthology on grief, loss and healing. Seems I have a lot to say on the subject of grief as that has been the only thing, I have been able to write about (here) for seven years stands to reason that would be my break-through story.
The story was meant to be a story of hope and how I have survived the triple tragedy we were dealt seven years ago. And how someone else might also survive. And I have survived. I have managed to find my way out of the darkness by looking for others that are grieving an unfathomable loss and trying to do what I can for them. Like it says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
In speaking of grief, I feel I need to note here that I have definitely discovered that there are many kinds of losses and many different levels of grief. We grieve when we lose anyone we care about. We grieve our beloved pets when we lose them. We can grieve a lost childhood, failed relationship or the loss of one's dreams due to life's disappointments. And while loss is always loss, and all have an impact, they are not all the same.
There are losses we grieve that we will "get over". We won't forget those we loved, and we will always miss them. But we will go on with life and move past the loss and truthfully, seldom think of that grief after a few years. Then there are the "catastrophic" losses; the kind of losses that cause PTSD or disenfranchised grief or complex, complicated grief. Psychologists describe these losses as sudden or tragic losses, losses where violence has occurred, multiple losses, suicide, murder, losses where there is guilt or shame involved, losses that seem unnecessary or preventable, losses where you are left with more questions than answers, unresolved or losses without closure, losses that for one reason or another you do not feel you can openly acknowledge or the loss of a child.
These losses are not even on the same level as a normal loss and when I look at the causes of complicated grief - I realize that my expectations of getting past this were totally unreasonable and almost --insane. Even thinking that I could ever get over, move past or overcome "this" was ridiculous. Any one of the above kind of losses can cause catastrophic or complicated grief and we did not have one of the above causes for catastrophic grief -- we had them all.
Then there were the secondary losses on top of the initial catastrophic loss. The loss of my home of 23 years, my church and my neighbors, my standing in the community, my "hometown" and my entire support system. Then I lost long time friendships some over 30 years long. And the worst of all of the secondary losses was my relationships with my other two children. A loss like this, changes you. It changed me and it has changed them. I have the sinking, terrible feeling that those relationships are just as gone as my relationship with Brian is. I have never felt more isolated and alone as I do now seven long years later. It is very difficult. The initial loss still alive and well, and the secondary losses gaining momentum.
I remember when I was in high school my very closest friend at school called me one night screaming and crying - her older brother whom she adored had just committed a very violent and very public suicide. He was sixteen years old. He left a note citing his reasons as: Linda had all the looks and their oldest brother all the brains in the family...leaving a 14-year-old and a 17-year-old to bear that undeserved guilt the rest of their lives. She was never the same. Her relationship with her brother ended that day as well as every other relationship she had. She shut herself off and from me and everyone else after that. I did not understand and was devastated. I sure understand it better now. That kind of loss changes you at your core.
Though we may survive, the life we are left with bears no resemblance to the life we had before and we bear no resemblance to the people we used to be.
Some develop a new respect for life. Others go on to find some divine purpose in their loss that will help them make sense of it or create some good that can come from it like M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) founded in 1980 after the death of a 13-year-old killed by a drunk driver or America's Most Wanted founded after the abduction and murder of 6-year-old Adam Walsh.
Some have more sympathy and empathy for others in their shoes and develop positive ways to show that using what they have learned perhaps as facilitator of GriefShare group meetings or volunteering as a peer counselor for Stephen Ministries. Some write their memoirs in hopes to get their story on paper and process the loss through the telling of their story as well as create a way to let their experience help others. Some throw themselves into their hobby or their work or some charitable effort in order to stay busy, feel productive and create a distraction.
But some, well some grow bitter, less tolerant of others, becoming more focused on themselves, making their world smaller thus more controllable, pushing others out of their lives for fear of being hurt again by something or someone they cannot control. Sadly, missing out on love, support, opportunities and personal or spiritual growth. And others turn to drugs, sex, alcohol or crime because they are apathetic and have lost all hope and do not have the strength or the coping skills to survive any other way. These are not choices for healing. These only lead to more loss.
It is not easy, and there is no quick fix, but we do have a choice.
