2023

That seems pretty impossible. What seems most impossible about it is the fact that I am still so deep in this hole after 8 1/2 years. I could never have imagined that.  Ever.  It has been a hard couple of days and I have no idea why now.  The meltdowns have stayed at bay for quite some time and yet over the past three days they have been barking at my heels.  The world is a pretty dark place right now and though I have had God's peace for the most part the last few days have been really hard.  

It is hard to believe that after all this time the threat that I wouldn't live through it is still alive and well. 

It's funny how you think that that is a very real danger for the first year for sure but I'm pretty certain most everyone would believe that if you lived through the second year you'd be home free.  Sure you would still miss them.  You would still grieve.  You would still have secondary losses still cropping up from time to time.  You'd dream about them; get melancholy on birthdays and anniversaries and still get triggers occasionally that would throw you for a loop. You'd go on with life.  Things would be different.  You would be different but you'd begin to smile again and one day you'd realize you laughed out loud.  You'd feel joy and at first it would feel off.  Uncomfortable.  Like you'd done something wrong.  You'd have guilt feelings about being momentarily happy.  But as it began to happen more and more you'd adjust and be okay with it.  Then one day without fanfare you'd realize you couldn't remember the last time you cried about it.  You realize that you had not thought of them in weeks maybe months.  Your life has begun to rebuild - different but still good.  You'd start to make plans for the future.  Set goals again.  Do things and really truly enjoy them.  And one day, one day, you'd realize you were on the other side.  You'd made it.  You'd learned from it.  You'd changed through it but the changes were actually good.  Your life was good again.

That is what I thought.  That is what I expected.  That is not what has happened.  That has happened with every other loss I've ever known but not these losses.  The sharp, all encompassing, breath-taking pain has subsided.  Yes, and thank God for that.  But here I am almost NINE years down the road still not caring whether I wake up or not.  Finding that I am as of late systematically trimming people from my life.  My relationships are shallow, surface relationships and I have never been like that.

I put one foot in front of the other.  I walk through life doing what I am trained to do.  I cook.  I wash dishes.  I do laundry.  I go to church and I serve where I can.  I walk through my life like a zombie.  But I don't live my life anymore.  I've stopped crying on Sundays and that may be part of the problem.  I'm not letting it out and it is choking the life out of me.  Winter does not allow me much alone time. And I do not cry in front of other people.  But I can tell this week I am exploding.  I want to cry.. I need to cry.  My heart is crying and screaming on the inside and yet I keep moving.  Going through the motions. 

I've begun to do odd things.  I'm cleaning out, clearing and purging. I'm writing letters to my loved ones; cleaning out my files; tossing memories I've held onto for 45 years.  I'm giving away things I ordinarily would not have parted with.  Its like my heart knows something I won't let my conscious self see.  I'm getting good at keeping secrets —even from myself.  

I have no one now I can confide in.  Looking at the life I now have and the resulting relationsips I don't really feel there is anyone that would even care.  Not one soul.  I feel like I could just drop from the face of the earth and no one would even notice.  That is a bad frame of mind and I need to get my head straight. What kept me from desperate measures in the beginning was the fear of what it would do to my family and those that depended on me or cared about me.  I felt we had all been through enough and I dared not add to their misery.  I feel like I have been freed from that concern now.  Everyone has recovered.  Everyone has moved on.  Everyone else.

And I know I’ll be okay.  I will.  It’s just been a long hard winter that has lasted three long years. Coping with all the horrific changes that Covid brought on and this is just about too much.