Grace

We are coming up on Paxton's birthday again.  He would be eleven years old and that is absolutely impossible to believe.  In my head and in my heart, he will always be a toddler - maybe in his dragon costume growling as he ran down the hall or prancing in a diaper and a t-shirt wearing green plastic beads and rocking his mama's red high heels. Or perhaps in his Papa's old gardening hat with green nail polish.  Or sitting in front of my spice cabinet with little dusty brown feet, after pouring out a huge canister of cinnamon looking guilty and smelling just like apple pie!  He was my funny, silly, baby and I cannot picture him as an eleven-year-old child. 

This year for the first time ever I celebrated Paxton's birthday.  And it was awesome!

I had the best, sweetest day yesterday.  Kara's mom and I had a girl's day.  We meet from time to time, but it has been a while since we've seen each other. We were talking yesterday about the "beauty from ashes" and how we kept waiting for the beauty part.  But getting to know her has been a most humbling experience and definitely one good thing that has come as a result of this tragedy. I keep thinking how surprised Kara would be.  I can't help but think it would make her happy.

We had lunch and saw a funny movie and she brought cake for us to share and celebrate Paxton's birthday together!  It was the sweetest gesture and I absolutely loved it.  We talked about the kids; she reminded me of a funny story about Brian that I had totally forgotten.  We caught up on each other's lives, had a great lunch and ate cake in memory of our sweet funny baby.  She will never know what that meant to me or what her friendship means to me.  It very nearly made me cry.  Not the cake, not the memory of him - but her sweet gesture is what almost made me cry. That was so kind of her but that was not the kindest thing she did yesterday that almost made me cry in front of her.  

What made me sit in tears last night when I got alone was just thinking about the fact that she brought Christmas gifts to my great-grandchildren; the babies that belong to Brian's two oldest children.  What an incredibly sweet and gracious thing to do.  That did make me cry - like all evening.  There is no way I can ever express all that meant to me.  

After all of the unkind things totally disinterested strangers have said and the friends and family that have turned away from us the one person that I would have expected to turn away from us is the one person that has shown us the most love and grace.  What a true example of God's love!  

What would Jesus do?  Exactly as she has done.  

I planned all evening that I'd write a tribute post to her today.  I wanted to be well-rested and have plenty of time to give it the thought it deserved although I knew exactly what I wanted to say, now that I've sat down to do it as usual lately, my mind is blank and my words are muddled, and I know I can't do her justice.