It's so hard to believe. Fifteen years ago, today they walked down my driveway to a flower-covered gazebo, surrounded by all their friends and family and promised "to love, honor and cherish till death do you part..." Little did we know death would part them just a short five years later.
They were out celebrating their fifth anniversary the last time I kept Paxton, and he sang "Haddy Dirtday" to me. It's been a long, hard ten years and I've aged a lot more than 10 birthdays worth.
Ten long years riddled with sadness and loss.
And May 27th, I lost my sister. One month and one day shy of her 10-year anniversary of being diagnosed with leukemia. She managed to beat the leukemia but the effects of bone marrow transplant and the resulting Graft Versus Host Disease took a full eight years and October 2023 she was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer --- one of the side effects of all of the previous treatments.
Grieving her has been different but every grief is. Sad to say but after the "Freight Train" plowed through my life not much can top that. But it was an awful loss or should I say another awful loss. She has been my best friend all of my life and she and I have been through so much together. I feel like I lost a huge part of who I am and I'm not sure in fact who I am without her. She was my rock and has been such a huge encourager and my true north. It was a horrific final month. Leaving us all with mixed emotions. Seeing her like she was and knowing she could never get any better literally made it a relief when death finally came. And I do look at things differently now. The world is in such an awful mess now until I truly feel she is the lucky one. And she knew that too.
And as much as I've thought I knew all there was to know about grieving and loss - I find that I am still falling into a deep ditch of denial. I have not faced the loss yet and it's been over a month. I am hiding from it with useless, mindless activities the only difference is that now I recognize it for what it is - and still cannot seem to do anything about it. I am afraid to look it full in the face. As I said it has been ten years of many losses and I just don't know how much more I can stand.
I'm sure, that I had experienced some of the grief ahead of time during the eight months that we knew about the cancer and found out there was to be no treatment and during that last month I was there with her several times a week and the last week, every day. I saw and experienced the worst that I have ever seen, and I will carry that vision with me till I am with her again. But it makes me know one thing though and I can put that question to rest. I have always felt very guilty and always worried that I should have gone to see Brian, Kara and Paxton at the Coroner's office to say my goodbyes and tell them I loved them. But I just could not. I felt like such a coward, but my survival instinct kept me from it. I wasn't sure I would survive it anyway but always knew if I ever had to look at them, I would not. I have often been sorry I didn't go and grieved wishing that I had.
No. I do not.
I am glad that the last memory I have of them is sweet and the last picture I have of them all in my mind is one I want to treasure. The one I have of her will haunt me forever and I had no choice but to be there and face it because I had to be there for her as best I could. I ran away from the horror of seeing them, but I could not run from this.
Losing her was and is awful because I will miss her in my life for the rest of my life. But the death, the grieving, the inner feelings they are all so different. God has given me the strength I prayed for. And for that I am eternally grateful.
What does not kill you absolutely does make you stronger.
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