As I've said before "this" did not just change how many places were set at the table for Thanksgiving. This changed everything. Besides the obvious of what losing three members of your familiy can do to you it also changes you in so many other ways that you never expected. Secondary losses I guess they're called. But not in the manner that I have heard secondary losses referred to such as who cuts your grass or takes out the trash or takes the car in for servicing. These are more on a personal level and not task related but since they are directly caused by this loss they would have to be considered secondary or second level losses and after 8 1/2 years I have to now assume they are permanent changes. I don't know.
The things I am referring to are more like personality changes which I would consider at a far higher level than whose job it is to take out the trash so I really think they deserve the title and trash duty should move to fourth or fifth level losses.
I feel like "I" have changed. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Totally changed. Some changes and the rationale for them are normal and expected physical changes - like gaining weight from stress eating and/or depression. And speaking of depression -
Mentally, depression for one. I cannot seem to stay out of the weeds. Momentarily, I can feel better with more exercise, regular contact with my family, regular church attendance and keeping almost too busy. But I don't stay there. Let me get some down time and I'm right back digging my way up just to get to ground level. Mentally, my short term memory is terrible. I still have problems concentrating on anything and I'm having problems with my speech too. I've always been a talker. Some people are natually quiet and have little to say - that has never been me. Suddenly, I can hardly complete a sentence before I stumble and lose focus and just stop mid-sentence.
Emotionally, I notice a couple of things here. I can still get angry really quickly with frustrating "business dealings" like terrible customer service and people that do not do what they say they're going to do but it dissapates quickly. And I spend no time thinking about it later. But anger with the people I love - just doesn't so much happen anymore for more than a fleeting moment. I get my feelings hurt much more easily though and that's hard. But nothing really seems important enough to get mad over, hold a grudge about or make myself or anyone else upset over. I don't seem to have really "strong" feelings about much anymore but then that too may be depression talking.
Spiritually, here I've noticed a lot of change. I do not feel even remotely like the same person as before the tragic deaths of my children. I don't seem to have the same strong spiritual connection that I did before. I still love God. I still seek truth. I still want to do what is right in the eyes of God. I still go to church regularly and work at the church and still try to do what I can for others. But now those things are conscious choices and the "feelings" that I used to have that prompted those choices without thinking about it - simply are not there. Unfortunately, (I think) I am less prayerful than I used to be. I kind of have the attitude that God will do whatever He chooses to do to accomplish His purpose and that's okay. What I want doesn't really matter. It's like its just a fact of life that I accept now. I trust God and His ways a lot more and fighting against Him to have things go my way is no longer something I do.
And I don't know if you'd call it mental or spiritual or emotional or a combination of all but I have zero attachment to this life anymore. I don't care about things like life's silly competitions, making new friends, or even hanging onto old friends, I don't care about "things" anymore; like new cars, clothes, furnishings or just stuff in general. I still buy what I need but --I don't care about it one way or the other --I just don't care. I have health issues that I refuse to go get seen about because --I don't care. I no longer want to struggle to stay in this life. This world truly does not feel like my home anymore and I'm ready to go home. Things of this world no longer have a hold on me. I"m okay living in this world and I function in it. I will fix food and eat, I will buy clothes and shoes because I need them. I will take the medicine I have for chronic high blood pressure because I do not want to be dibilitated and be a burden on anyone else but would I go to extreme measures to buy a few more months or years by taking chemo or having mutilating surgeries - I don't think I would. I don't necessarily want to die but if it is my time, I'm really okay with it.
Death is no longer my enemy. Perhaps that is what's meant by: "O' grave where is thy victory, O' death where is thy sting?"
It does not frighten me to talk about it or even plan for it and when I lose another friend - I no longer cry. I feel like they are the lucky ones. My only fear where death is concerned is losing another of my family. I do not want to lose anymore family and I think that drives a lot of these feelings because the older we get the more likely that becomes so I'd rather it be me so I don't have to live through another horrific loss.
I don't feel numb exactly but dulled for sure. And I'm not sure that it is not exacerbated by the secretive nature of all of this. Not being able to deal with it openly. Not being able to talk about it. Not being able to grieve them openly. Not having the support I needed because of that. And of course not knowing what really happened and not feeling like we got an adequate investigation or adequate information.
Secrets are destructive.
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