I keep thinking that I want to capture all of these intense emotions so that they are not lost to me should this blog ever go away. I have toyed with the idea of perhaps writing a book. I want to and yet I don't. I'm not sure I can go back and relive all of these emotions day by day again. And while a lot of them are still alive and well it isn't like it was in the beginning and it has taken a long time to make what little progress I've made to get here. So going back to the beginning and retelling -- reliving all of this again well I don't know about that. Also, to be honest there is something about writing the details of this story and having it be even potentially profitable - well that just seems wrong. And for sure any anonymity that protects me from public judgment would be over.
And those are my reasons for not pursuing it thus far.
In my efforts to try and make a solid decision I've had to ask myself a few questions:
Why do I want to do this?
Who am I doing it for?
What do I hope to accomplish?
And when I started to answer those questions it is there that I see merit in the prospects of a book.
Why?
- Because I want to introduce the Brian we knew to the world at large because I cannot stand knowing that his entire life was reduced to ashes and his entire 41 years before that day counted for nothing. I cannot sit by and see the man he had been up to that day -- the light-hearted, funny, sweet son, the concerned, loving, playful dad, the loyal-to-a-fault husband, the funny baby brother, the hardworking employee, the practical joking co-worker, the fun uncle, the dependable nephew, the closer than a brother - brother-in-law --be reduced to the monster the news media and Sheriff's department portrayed. I cannot let that erase all that he was up to that day.
- Because we cannot be the only family that has been where we are and I know better than most how hard it is to find something we can relate to. It was a determination so devastating, so difficult and so harshly judged and because of that it is bathed in shame and secrecy. No one talks about it and as far as I can find no one writes about it either. It is something that leaves you feeling so hopeless and alone and I want to give others what I could not find. Hope. Understanding. Empathy.
- Because I want to find the lessons I can only see in the rear-view mirror. I want to bring it out of the darkness and look at it closely in the light, twist it and turn it and see it from all angles, analyze it, dissect it, put it all under a microscope and learn from it what I can. I do not want to waste this pain. If there are lessons in this, I need to be able to see them and that is so difficult to do when it is shoved under the rug. I want to find the beauty from ashes, and I want to help others do that too.
Who is it for and what do I hope to accomplish from it? These kind of run together.
- First and foremost, it is for Brian because I firmly do not believe for one minute that he was capable of this, and I want to honor the person he was before this and by letting the world know the person that we knew in the hope that it could raise a question in their mind too. I want him to have a fair trial the only way I can get him one —by giving our side of who he was and perhaps give some that read it cause for "reasonable doubt".
- The average person - I want the reader to see that there are two sides to every story. I want others to know how sometimes the police department's final determination may not always be correct. And before they are so quick to judge they should realize that there is a 100% chance that they do not know the whole story. I'd also like for others to know how quickly their lives can change and how a jaded determination from a police department could happen to them just like it did us.
- The police departments - I'd like for them to see what an emotional snap judgment on a grisly crime scene can omit about who someone is. I'd like for them to know that saving time and money on what appears to them to be a useless and costly investigation can decimate the lives of all of the survivors.
It may not matter to them, but it matters to those that are devastated by the results of not having a proper investigation. And I fully realize that I cannot know for sure that I am right, and they were wrong. I admit that. But I am certain I knew him well enough to make a better judgement call than they could in a few hours. And I'm sure I cannot know exactly what really happened but that's the whole point. I can't and neither can they. What I do know is that I could have accepted it and moved on had I had a full and thorough investigation with a half an ounce of concrete forensic proof. Something they did not deem important.
- For Kara's mother - the only other person in this tragic mess that had the same loss I did and understands from my perspective what the loss of a child and grandchild means and to let her understand who Brian really was and why I still cannot believe he could have done this. She doesn't have to agree with me or believe as I do but I want her to understand why "I" don't. I know it cannot bring back her child, my child or our grandbaby but I live in hope that it can give her peace with the fact that they were loved and there was no way this was out of malice.
- For all mothers that have lost children everywhere under any circumstances. We share a common bond of love and loss that no other human can come close to understanding.
- And to anyone that has ever experienced a loss that they cannot acknowledge. There are so many layers to that loss that they will continue to peel through for years to come and the emotional damage that keeping this kind of secret causes is unfathomable. It would be my hope that bringing this out of the darkness and into the light that I could acknowledge and accept this and in doing so that others can as well, hopefully setting us all free.
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