My life came to a screeching halt. Everything that had been true about my life ceased. What was left was an empty shell that I would hardly recognize.
It's been a hard day but it wasn't as hard as last year or God forbid the one before that.
I miss them all every single day. But I don't cry as much. I still see Brian in crowded streets sometimes and still hear his voice in my head sometimes like he's right next to me. At times my arms still ache for that baby.
I don't stare at their pictures and feel comfort anymore. Their pictures now have begun to make me sad instead. Though Paxton is still the wallpaper on my phone. So I see him several times a day and I can't see ever changing it.
I realized yesterday that Paxton has been gone longer than he lived. I've been without him longer than I had him with me. That made me sad because I worry now that I will start to forget his face, his silly squeal, the feel of his tiny hand in mine, his soft wispy hair, his funny little toes that crossed over one another like they were too crowded for his tiny feet. I fear that I will forget that cute little face as he slept with the yellow and blue pacifier I grew to know so well.
Kara and everyone else thought he was too old to still have his "Binkies" and that they should have been taken from him. And of course they were right, I'd have never let one of my own children take one that long but by this time I'd figured out how fast they grow up and go away and it kept him a baby just a little longer. Brian also knew how fast they grew up and he just couldn't take it from him and though it was totally unlike me, I was glad he couldn't.
We started a Memory Garden for them back in May. We hoped to be done by today but surgeries and life got in the way so maybe by Christmas. I bought a woodpecker made from repurposed metal tools and odd parts - so just like Brian and Paxton loved birds so it seemed right. I bought a big corrugated metal butterfly that I thought suited Kara and hung it on the fence. And I have planted her favorite hosta there. Problem is it is all in the shade and very little will thrive there without sun but hosta will so that is good. Donald has worked really hard on it and it is beautiful.
I pictured it kind of peaceful and a little formal looking but it has taken on a life of its own and it will be more "them" and they were not formal. She was artsy and modern. He was eclectic and loved recycled metal art and homemade anything. Those were hard styles to mix but they were both fun and whimsical so that is what we will go with. Paxton? Easy - cars. Motorcycles, buses, trucks, trains anything with wheels.
It has been a hard three years and I'm praying that this will be the year we turn the corner and start to heal. I know we will never stop missing them. I know we will never "get over" this and just get on with life but I pray it will get better for all of us. I pray for Beauty from Ashes. For purpose. For healed hearts and healed lives. For hope.
I pray peace for my daughter and my son, my husband and my grandchildren. I pray for Kara's mom and dad, her sister and her brother and peace for them --for all of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment