Saturday was one year ago since I started the blog with my
post Four Weeks. It has been one heck of
a ride since that first post.
When it was mentioned to me that maybe I should start a
blog, I had no idea why, since I had never even read a blog. I had no idea what I would do with it, what I
would write or how it could possibly help.
But as I’ve said before I latched onto anything and everything that
anyone suggested. I: read everything I could get my hands on, attended Grief
Share, called a counselor, contacted Stephen Ministries, tried to pray, took
whatever time off from work that was appropriate, went back to work to get back
engaged in life, clung to family, wrote in my journal (which I have always
done.) Read the bible, listened to preaching and teaching and Christian
music. Anything and everything that I
even heard of that might help me survive this with my sanity intact –I tried. So when starting a blog was suggested and
writing had always been my natural outlet and my way to cope –I started a
blog. And while I can’t say that any one
thing was most instrumental in my survival the blog has certainly played a huge
part. And yes, there are still days when
it is still up in the air whether I will make it all the way through it, but I
have managed to survive it one day at a time, one step at a time, one “post” at
a time for thirteen months today -- a feat I never believed possible thirteen
months ago.
Here I have found peace, faith, friends, comfort and release. I have been able to write out my feelings, my
love, my hurts, my memories, my devastation, my disappointments, my
insecurities, my life-lessons and my grief.
I have been able through this to express some of the isolating
loneliness of this horror and find solace in the friends and family that I have
here because I can say the things on my heart here that I would likely never say in person. It has helped me to be able to recognize
blessings and miracles and gifts as I have written through my day to day survival. I have found friends that have been my support
and I hope and pray that it has been some comfort for others; that perhaps something
I may have said or acknowledged may have helped someone else along this grief
road or if nothing else – let someone know they were not alone and give them hope
in the fact that if I can survive “this” freight train – they too can survive theirs.
Through writing here I have been able to lay things out in
black and white, sort through them and organize them in my mind helping me at
times to see things I would have otherwise missed. I have rediscovered my love for music and
found a new love in the hope and healing words of Praise and Worship because of
a reader here that had actually been through a similar experience. I have been
able to post sweet memories of my baby boy, funny pictures and honor all that
he was as I relived my short time with him. I have been able to honor the memory of my daughter-in-law and express some of what she meant to me and our entire family and I have been free to acknowledge my love for my son, relive the joy that he was to us and recount some
of the reasons that I can never believe this horrific conclusion about what
happened and I have been free to express my disappointment, my anger and resulting insecurities with
the way the Sheriff’s Department handled the "investigation".
A year ago there was no way I could have imagined all this blog
would mean to me. It has been all of the
above and much more. Thank you for being
there with me as I struggled to survive this.
Many, many days, this has been my only safe place to fall.
No comments:
Post a Comment