Kara Brittany Sebben Miller

Today Kara would have been 40 years old.  I'm certain she could have amazed people with that fact since I know she absolutely would not have looked her age.  It has been ten years since we lost her and I still cannot believe that fact.  

Had she been here to celebrate this milestone birthday, I'm sure she would have really enjoyed a funny 40th birthday party complete with Over The Hill balloons and a basket full of "old age" necessities like: Arthritis Strength Tylenol, denture cream, Preparation H, and some really thick ugly reading glasses. We would have had fun messing with her and she would have delighted in every minute of it. 

I remember in 2013 she and I planned Brian's 40th and she had a ball thinking up all of the ugly 40 themed stuff we could do.  From the Over The Hill cake to the walker placed in front of his chair.  She had a delightful child-like sense of humor even while surprising us all with the level of maturity it took to take on two teenagers when they married.  

Brian had his oldest when he was 18 and there were 11 years between he and Kara.  That put her being stepmom to an 18-year-old when she was a babe herself at 24.  I worried about that a lot.  I did not see how on earth that would work.  Ashley turned 13 less than two weeks after they married and two teenagers at any age is difficult - two teenagers that aren't yours at 24...impossible.

How would they respect her at her age?  Would they resent her?  Would they look at her as a kid too?  They were valid concerns. It was, as they say, complicated. Ashley had basically grown up having only her dad when she was at his house.  How would she do with another female in the house?  Would she be jealous? Competitive? Resentful?  Probably.  It sounded like a disaster waiting to happen to me from the beginning.  She would barely be old enough for teenagers today at 40 but 15 years ago. No.  I'd lived a long time and seen a lot and I simply could not see it working out 30 days.

But as she tended to do from day one - she shocked me with her maturity, patience and determination. She took Ashley on like she was hers.  She helped her paint her room with hot pink splatter paint and black and white decor.  She colored and fixed her hair and showed her how to get the results she wanted with her hair when she fixed it herself.  When she turned 13, she gave her a grown-up birthday party and bought her new cute teenage clothes and a little make up kit and showed her how to apply it. Instead of competition, I think Ashley saw her as a new 'big sister'. She looked up to her and depended on her for fashion and beauty advice.  It was amazing to watch.

She seemed to know instinctively exactly how to win them both over by becoming their friend instead of a stepmom and authority over them. That is not to say that they still didn't give them both a fit - they did.  They were still teenagers.  Then I worried about her and what they were doing to her!  I knew teenagers and their typical response to this situation, but they never seemed to blame her, dislike her or resent her or if they did, I never heard of it and never saw evidence of it.  

When Paxton came along, she was so good with him.  She was so careful about what she fed him.  She didn't buy his baby food in jars, but instead got a food processor and cooked and made his baby food from fresh, preservative-free ingredients. She was kind, loving and patient with him.  She sang to him and danced with him and enjoyed every minute of him.  And though you'd think after thinking she'd never be a mother, that she would have been a little selfish with him never letting him leave her side, but she said she had had a wonderful childhood relationship with her grandparents and wanted the same for him.  She said babies needed all the love they could get and she freely let us keep him and was the sole reason that we were able to enjoy him to the level we did.

I was never allowed to have that kind of relationship with any of my other grandchildren and was only allowed to see Brian's other two when he would bring them over and share his meager four days a month with us.  I had the love of that baby absolutely because of her and her alone. And for that I am eternally grateful.

I love you. I miss you. I am so thankful for you.  Happy 40th birthday Kara.

The Tenth Anniversary

 It is almost impossible to believe that it has been ten long years since the day that changed so many lives forever. 

What surprises me is that this still seems so fresh sometimes and never far from my thoughts.  It is better in so many ways.  I get on with life.  I enjoy things again something I couldn't imagine just a few years ago.  I don't want to die every day anymore.  We went out of town again for this anniversary and I'd like to say after ten years we really enjoyed the trip.  Subconsciously, I'm sure it was meant to be a distraction (yeah, I'm still pulling that) but of course you are not going to just let the ten-year anniversary just slide. But thank God, it didn't wreck me.  I've had quite a year and that may be why.  My heart was elsewhere.  My sister and my best friend died just 31 days shy of her ten-year anniversary of being diagnosed with Leukemia.  She was the one person that never forgot the day; never failed to acknowledge it with me and always knew my heart.  She had a long hard road and it about killed all of us.  I still cannot imagine how I will live life without her.

We had to have our 12-year-old dog put down three weeks before she died.  And she was the one that had gotten him for us after we lost the kids.  I was so busy trying to help with her and so grieved over her until I barely had the brain cells and emotional bandwidth to share with that loss.  So, he did not get the grief that he deserved.  He too, had a rough year and my heart was broken but my time and attention belonged to her.

And I have finished my second draft of the book. I was hoping to have it completed by the tenth anniversary, but her illness took priority.  

I can't believe that this is also the ten-year anniversary of this blog.  No way when I started this would I have ever believed I would still be doing this ten years later.  Could not imagine living ten years actually.  But it truly has been a lifeline to me.  It has given me a place to grieve, to love, to process all that this has been.  I have lived in anonymity for going on 8 years since we moved here. Doing so has given me peace and a chance at a normal life but keeping secrets is very destructive and it has kept me feeling isolated and alone in this.  The blog has been my main source of how I've dealt with it all because of that.  My family all tired of hearing about it long ago.  I have a new church family and new neighbors and new friends and none of them know.  So, there is no talking it over with them or hashing out some new scenario or talking about Brian or how the baby has been on my heart all day.  I was able to talk to my sister on rare occasions, but she has had so much on her until I felt guilty bringing up my junk so most times I didn't.  Sometimes I can talk to my granddaughter.  She sweet to listen but I feel like she is not the appropriate person to be unloading on.  My husband still listens as he is a captive audience, bless his heart, but I see his eyes glaze over the minute I mention anything about it.  And sometimes I have Kara's mom, but it is hard for us to talk about it too.  Even though I know that she feels the same things that I do and she would be the one person that would understand still grieving at the ten-year mark. She is a mother.  So, I know she does. And we are better.  So much better.  Both of us.  But we know for sure now the truth that we both I'm sure suspected from the beginning --this is forever.  

Most of my church family eight years in, do not even know we've lost a child or grandchild if you can believe that.  I can't answer the questions that are sure to follow so I literally hide the biggest thing that ever happened in my life.  Talk about an elephant in the room! I feel like I am the biggest liar ever.  Pulling off this deception but I cannot risk the fallout, so I still have not let it out.  I feel like a dog not acknowledging my children.  And it feels like I'm choking to death sometimes trying to keep it in.  I feel like if I could just let it all out, just be honest about who I really am what I've lost and grieve openly for my children --I would feel so free. But it isn't just me involved.  Donald loves the church and if it turned out like I fear - he'd lose that too.  We just cannot take anymore loss.  I know I'm not being very trusting but that comes from experience.  It seems like it's kind of too late to tell it now like that ship has sailed.  

This blog has been pretty much my only outlet.